Phoenix and Blackbird
by vituska7
Summary: They thought they had saved her that they had arrived in time. But what she had suffered was far worse than they could have imagined. Can she recover now with the help of her family and rise again from her ashes? PS Horrible at summaries
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hello everybody. So, I'd like to explain all of you what happened. I woke up yesterday and I found out my story had been removed due to "explicit content above current rating". This upset me beyond words. I had worked really hard to write this, I had put a lot of effort and time into it, so seeing it all wasted got me incredibly angry and sad. Apparently my story offended someone, because instead of rating all of it M I had put a warning only in the first chapter (the graphic scenes are only there...), and this person decided that, instead of simply not reading it, they had to report it and doing so destroy all my work. I really don't understand this. My story wasn't so graphic, sure it was a dark subject but I don't think I was glorifying rape by writing about it, I thought I was treating this subject with the appropriate sensitivity and importance and seriousness. I read stories much more graphic than mine about this and they are still up, so all this situation really upset me. Now, I was extremely discouraged and I was ready to abandon this story but, since I love it so much, I know how much this means to me, and I know there are people who follow it and enjoy it, I'm putting this up again, with a M RATING, even though I still think it is unnecessary. I hope this time it stays up. To whoever reported this, PLEASE, if you don't like it, just don't read it, let me write this and let other people enjoy it. To those who were reading my story, I'm not letting this go, I'm still writing it, and your support is what really kept me going so thank you very much.**

**That said, to any new reader, I warn you, the first chapter is DARK, it can be triggering. Later on the story is softer. To the ones who already followed the story, it is basically the same. I simply changed something here and there, mostly in the first chapter. I had saved only a draft of it on my computer. The content will be the same, only improved a bit. Having the opportunity to read the old version again I noticed it wasn't written really well, probably because it was my first try. I'm going to post the first four chapters together, and later the others, because I have to find them again... Don't worry though, I don't have to write them again, I still have them.**

**Before we start I really have to thank kareeenx and I have to give a special thanks to JJCM. Without you I would have dropped the story. You encouraged me and helped me so thank you again!**

**So, now, once again, here we go. I hope you enjoy. Let me know and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds and its characters**

"How did you know?" He would never admit it, but Hastings was impressed that the woman kneeling in front of him had in the end realized he was behind her abduction. He wanted to know what had betrayed him: his plan was perfect, everyone believed he was dead. What gave him away?

"Askari couldn't possibly know that I was pregnant, I didn't tell anyone, not even my husband! I only told Matt, right before you came and gave me that message from the BAU." JJ explained to Hastings. She was struggling with the words. The tiredness and the pain she was feeling from all the torture she had endured were consuming her, and the realization that she had suffered all that because of a man she had considered an ally and a friend was almost too much to bear.

"How long were you listening before you approached?" She asked him both angry and sad. "The Humvee attack proved I was right about an inside man." If it weren't for the situation, she would have almost smiled. She was right, she had always been right. The mole had killed Nadia because she was about to expose him to her. Her profile was correct.

"And look what it cost you." Hastings looked at her with a stupid grin on his face. That made JJ's anger explode. It was his fault that she had lost her baby, the baby she and Will had wanted for so long, and he had the courage to mock her! She was so furious with him that she didn't even care about the torture or the death threats anymore.

"You can threaten to kill me. Matt won't give you what you want." JJ said with disgust and defiance looking at him straight in the eyes, to show him she wasn't scared.

At that point Hastings turned his attention to Cruz, who had remained silent all this time. He barely acknowleged the "She's right" of Askari. He was well aware that Matt wouldn't break so easily. It wasn't enough to threaten the woman. What could he do? Suddenly he had an amusing idea and he turned to JJ once again with a strange look on his face that she couldn't fully read.

"Don't I know it?" Hastings said almost to himself walking casually around the room to stop in front of JJ's chains.

Suddenly the profiler felt her body being violently lifted and her shoulders and wrists started screaming again for release. As Hastings walked towards her she realized she had been very wrong about this man. She had thought he still had lines he wouldn't cross but it became very clear in her mind that this was the farthest thing from the truth when she felt his hands resting first on her waist and then caressing her behind and her legs. She immediatly understood what his intentions were, what he was implying with that unwanted touch, and her breathing quickened. She was panicking. He let go of her and walked around her until they were face to face. She didn't want to look at him but he violently grabbed her face and forced her to meet his eyes. If at first she was just uncomfortable, now she was terrified. Staring at him she understood what that ambiguos look she had seen before was. It was lust.

The realization made blood drain from her face and her heart started beating so fast she thought it would burst through her chest. She could hear Hastings talking and Cruz screaming at him but she couldn't make out what they were saying. She was too scared. She knew this could happen: when they had brought her in this hellhole she had been aware that, being a woman, this could have been a way to make her talk, but she remembered Askari's MO and sexual torture was not a part of it, so she had hoped she would at least be spared this. Anyway Hastings was another kind of sadist and she had no doubt he would carry out his threats.

Hastings let go of her face and JJ tried to focus to understand better what was happening.

"I want Integrity. She's the price." The vile man said. He grabbed her once again and she quietly protested, a shiver running down her spine as with a hand he sneaked his way between her breasts to stop on her belly, leaving a trail of goosebumps wherever he touched her.

"Maybe, I can make you another one." He said smiling. His loving tone made JJ sick. He was talking about raping her like it was something beautiful. Her mind began to spin. She was scared out of her mind but she tried to put on a brave face, forcing herself not to pull away from his grip, knowing he would have only enjoyed her struggle and not wanting to give him satisfaction. She couldn't let them get their codes, she wanted to resist, but when he started unbuttoning her shirt her defences crumbled and she tried to hold back the tears that were threathening to fall from her eyes. Yes, she was an FBI agent, she knew the risks of the job, but nobody had trained her for something like this. She had no idea what to do, what to think, how to handle this.

JJ didn't want to look at the smug expression on Hastings' face. He was looking at her like she was a piece of meat. She really couldn't understand how someone could be so evil.

"Take your time Matt" he chuckled, "I've been thinking about this for years." JJ was so conflicted. She knew she couldn't let Matt give away his code, but at the same time she wanted to escape this violation more than anything in the world. Trying not to focus on Hastings' whistles of appreciation as he was exposing her breasts, she forced herself to be strong and told Matt that she was fine: she kept repeating that but when she felt him opening the button on her pants her voice wavered. This was real, it was happening.

She could see the desperate look Matt gave her, the struggle in his eyes between protecting his country and protecting his friend.

"I didn't think you were this kind of man Matt. Rather than giving up a stupid code you would let me defile our friend Jenny here right in front of your eyes. Don't you think about how humiliating this must be for her? Being exposed and degraded like this in front of her friend and boss?" Hastings was enjoying himself more than he thought possible. He could feel the blonde shaking with fear and discomfort in his arms and he knew he couldn't have found a better torture for both of the agents. She was trying to avoid his gaze, to appear defiant, but her eyes were giving her away and he could see the frightened look she was trying to conceal. At that sight he felt himself harden and all of a sudden the codes lost importance to him.

"Well Matt, I thought you were a honorable man. I guess I was wrong. You are just like me. Maybe you are even going to enjoy this, I know I will!" Hastings said laughing and without warning he kneed JJ in the stomach so hard she thought she was going to throw up right there. The blow had been so unexpected that she couldn't move or breathe or even think. The pain was so hard and abrupt all she could try to do was gasp for air.

"No! You son of a bitch! Leave her alone! I'll do it! I'll do it! You win!" Matt screamed at the top of his lungs.

"It's late now Matt, I gave you your occasion to save her. Now sit tight and watch the show and later we can discuss again about the codes."

JJ didn't understand what was happening. Black spots were dancing before her eyes. She was still trying to recover from the blow and her head was spinning, so she didn't fight when Hastings uncuffed her from the ceiling and immediatly recuffed her hands behind her back. She could hear Cruz yelling curses at Hastings but she couldn't concentrate. Just as she was starting to focus again he slammed her face first on the table in the middle of the room, bending her at the waist. Air left her lungs once again and the impact made her dizzy, but she fought to keep her eyes open. She couldn't afford to pass out. Turning her head to the side she saw Cruz being lifted by Askari who held him still so he was forced to look at her. He was still screaming and fighting and at that point Hastings broke his silence.

"Enough Matt! If you don't stop and start behaving, not only I will screw her but I will call my men and let them and Askari take her too. What do you say?" Hastings said.

This put a stop to Cruz's struggles and with desperation in his eyes he mouthed "I'm sorry" to JJ, who was now in tears, having fully realized there was no way out of it, that nothing could stop this. Hastings was holding her down while unbuckling his belt, and she tried to turn her head, not wanting at least to look at her friend while she was humiliated like that, but Hastings, being such a sadistic psycho, didn't allow her even this small comfort and forced her to face Cruz.

"No no no, baby. You are the star of this show. Don't be shy, the audience wanna watch you in the eyes" He said with a sneer holding her by the hair with one hand while ripping her pants away with the other.

She was struggling so hard but it was useless, his grip was too strong. A miriad of thoughts started passing through her mind. What would her team think of her? What would Will think of her? He would never accept her again. She was a trained federal agent and she was letting this man do this to her. Her train of though was interrupted when Hastings ground his hips against hers and she felt him hard and ready. She hadn't even realized he had already unzipped his pants. She could clearly feel his excitement pressing against her back. That made her freeze for a second in utter terror and then started fighting and struggling and screaming like she had never done before.

"NO!" She screamed when he tore away her underwear, her last protection from this brutality.

"Oh yes, honey..." he whispered in her ear and suddenly he thrust into her.

Her scream was abruptly cut, she was out of breath. She had never felt so much pain in her life. He immediatly started ramming in and out of her so violently she thought she would die from the pain. She would have taken being waterboarded and electrocuted every day if it meant being spared another second of this torture. Hastings was resting all his weight on her, crushing her everytime he slammed her against the table, her cuffed arms were twisted at an odd angle, and her face was scratching against the surface. But worse than this, worse than the burning between her legs, were the grunts of Hastings and the vile, disgusting things he kept whispering in her ear. He kept talking to her the entire time, making degrading comments and saying he knew she liked it everytime a moan of pain would leave her mouth. It was sickening and excruciating.

It went on for a long while, an eternity to her, but in the end JJ felt him stiffen and with a loud groan he collapsed on her. Knowing what that meant she gagged nauseated, feeling like she would throw up in disgust. He stayed on top of her a bit more, then he placed a sloppy kiss on her neck and finally got up. She didn't move. She couldn't move. She felt numb, her mind was empty. It was like her brain wasn't able to process what she had just been through. She let herself slide down to the ground, shaking uncontrollably, trying to focus on nothing but keep breathing.

"Wow Jenny! That was awesome! My God, you know, when we were in Afghanistan and I had the chance to spend time with Nadia, if you catch my drift, I was always picturing you but, damn! Reality sometimes is so much better than fantasy... I wish I hadn't waited so much to try you out. Hey Matt! You really should have a go at her, now that I've warmed her up..."

She was trying not to listen to him, to shut him out. She raised her head and found Cruz sobbing with his eyes closed.

"It's not your fault." JJ said with croaked voice. "You hear me Matt? This is not your fault." He just nodded, not having the strenght to look at her.

"This is all very touching, but now back to business" Hastings grinned. His satisfied tone made JJ enraged and she felt anger and hate towards this man like she had never experienced before.

"Would you be so kind Matt or we have to arrange for round 2? And 3 and 4 and 5?" He handed the computer to Cruz, who was now kneeling on the ground. Every uncertainty disappeared when he saw Hastings approach his friend again and, totally broken, he inserted the code. JJ didn't have the strenght to try and stop it, and she knew she wouldn't be able to sustain another assault like that.

After he digited the code Cruz handed the computer back to Hastings who looked the happiest man on earth. Askari then pointed the gun at Matt's head when suddenly the computer started beeping.

"What is this?" Hastings asked confused. The system asked an autentication password to authorize the codes.

"Security mechanism..." Cruz explained.

"It is to be sure the codes are actually being digited and it's not an hacking attack. I had forgotten about it."

"Well, who has this damn password?" Hastings said annoyed by the situation. "I'm not going to ask again." He said after a minute of silent.

"I do" JJ said slowly. "Give me the computer" Hastings and Askari smiled, and the first one uncuffed her and gave her the computer. JJ lifted her eyes and stared at Cruz smiling sadly. She knew they were going to die anyway. She thought once again to her family at work, to Will and to Henry. She would have wanted to see them and kiss them one last time. With a single tear running down her cheek she inserted the password.

"Thank you Jenny" Hastings smiled. At that point Askari stabbed Cruz in the stomach. She tried to protest but was too exhausted to even try to fight. He got close to her, ready to slit her throat when they heard a scream.

"No no no no! What did you do, you bitch?!" The file they had just had access to was dissolving in front of Hastings' eyes.

"You think after everything, after all of this, I would have let you win? The one I digited was the alert code, it automatically destroyes every file connected to our users. They're not recoverable anymore." JJ whispered with her hoarse voice, staring at an enraged Hastings.

"You can kill me now, but you are the one who loses. Bitch." JJ said knowing she had ruined his plan forever. Hastings started screaming and beating her with all of his strenght. She didn't try to defend herself, she knew she was about to die; nonetheless it hurt like hell when he stabbed her in the stomach. Askari stopped his assault on her when the lights went off. She barely understood what they were saying but made out the word FBI and a small smile reached her eyes. They were there, just moments too late but they were there. Nothing else mattered.

She didn't know when Hastings and Askari ran out of the basement. After a while she started hearing shootings and, as she was losing consciousness, she hoped they would be there in time to save Matt. The hand covering her wound started slipping away as she was losing strenght. Her eyes were closing when she heard the door being kicked open; she could hear voices but couldn't focus enough, until she heard someone she would always recognize among a million other people.

"Oh God, JJ!"

"Emily..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds**

The entire team had just arrived to the Cramer Industries. Thanks to Garcia and Emily they had found out that this was the building where JJ and Cruz were being held. Hotchner immediatly asked the man at the entrance where the server mainframe was. After he got his answer from the confused man, he urged him to show them the way to the basement. They couldn't lose another minute, JJ and Cruz were running out of time and every single member of the team was afraid it could be too late.

"Let's split in three units. Morgan, you and Reid cover the entrance of the warehouse. Blake and Rossi, you cover the side. Emily and I will go down to the subterranean level and retrieve JJ and Cruz." Hotch said more serious than ever. He spoke as if there was no other way than retrieving them alive: he would not think about the alternative. JJ needed him and the team focused.

"Alright, let's move and you, cut the power in the building now." Hotch said to the man guiding them.

As soon as the lights went out the team started moving in full stealth mode. They didn't want to reveal their position to the enemy. They were silently advancing when Morgan saw someone moving in front of them.

"It's Hastings!" Morgan said as realization hit him.

"I don't see Askari" Reid said to his partner and when he called out to the man in front of them, all hell broke loose.

Hastings started shooting at the FBI and his men did the same. Then, as he left them busy with the gunfight that was taking place, he started backing away. This was the perfect diversion to run to the roof and to his extraction point. Screw Askari, he definetly wouldn't wait for him.

While the team was involved in the shooting, Hotch and Emily took their chance and ran towards the hallway Hastings had just left. Dodging bullets they managed to get there and stormed down the stairs that brought to the basement. As they were going down they ran across Askari who frozed, shocked to find them already there. He didn't have time to raise his gun that 4 bullets had already hit him straight in the chest. Hotch turned around to stare at his partner, the smoking gun in her hands.

Emily didn't care she had just killed Askari in cold blood, without waiting for him to attack them. "Screw the rules" she thought. This man had kidnapped her best friend, the woman who had protected her and had been close to her in her darkest time, when she thought she couldn't trust anyone in the world. He had abducted her and almost certainly had hurt her, so no second thoughts had crossed her mind when she had seen him in front of her. She looked up and met her former boss' eyes. They stayed like that for a few seconds, then kept moving, no words between them. He didn't need to ask the reason for her behaviour and she didn't need to explain it to him.

Moving forward, they arrived in front of a closed door. Before going in, Hotch heard Morgan's voice through his ear-bud.

"All men down, here. What is your status Hotch?"

"We reached the basement. We crossed paths with Askari. He's dead. We're about to go inside. Ready Prentiss?"

Emily heard his question and nodded, but she was lying. She wasn't ready. Not even remotely. She was dreading the moment they would enter this room. She was terrified that all their efforts could turn out to be useless. She was afraid to go in and find her friend's body cold and rigid. She had never been so scared to do something and, at the same time, so eager, because she knew they couldn't lose another minute.

She motioned to Hotch and he kicked the door open. They entered the room, guns raised, but they could barely see.

"It's too dark. Flashlights." Hotch ordered. Emily turned on her light, and advanced trying to see something. It was horrible: her heart was beating so fast, and all she could hear was her blood ringing in her ears. What if they were actually too late? She was starting fearing the worst, when she heard a noise.

It wasn't more than a whisper. At first she thought she had imagined it but then she heard it again. It was someone breathing. She stopped moving trying to understand where the noise was coming from and suddenly she saw it. The beam of light hit that unmistakable golden hair that was splayed on the ground and, moving forward, she finally made out the curled body of her friend. She froze for a moment when she realized JJ wasn't moving, and in shock the only thing she managed to do was to say

"Oh God, JJ!" As soon as she uttered those words, to her astonishment, the blonde's eyes cracked open and she heard the faintest whisper.

"Emily..."

Everything else lost importance. She stormed towards JJ and kneeled next to her to assess her conditions. She could hear in the background Hotch saying he had found Cruz and calling for a medic, but she couldn't listen. She was too focused on the woman near her. The initial relief of finding her alive slowly turned into horror as Emily took in the state she was in. JJ was shivering, her breathing was erratic and she was freezing. Her face as well as her entire body was black and blue with bruises and she was almost sure her cheekbone was broken. The thing that worried Emily the most though, was the bleeding wound in JJ's stomach, probably from being stabbed and the first thing she did was putting pressure on it with all of her strenght. She hadn't dropped everything and traveled across the world to let her bleed out like that. As she surveyed the damage done to her friend a sick feeling started creeping up on her as she saw that JJ' blouse was open, and she moved away her eyes and held back the tears, feeling nauseous when she noticed her missing pants and the blood between her legs. She couldn't think about that right now, JJ needed her stronger than ever.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she noticed that the wounded agent was moving her lips, trying to say something.

"Shhh, shhh shhh JJ. Don't try to talk. I'm here now. It's over. I'm going to get you out of here." Emily said trying to stop the blonde from making useless efforts.

"Emily...Matt...he is wo-wounded. Y-you have to... Have to save..." JJ was struggling with the words and every breath was sending jolts of pain through her entire body.

"I know, I know. We found him. Hotch is with him and the medic is about to arrive. They are going to take care of him. Don't worry about that ok? Just stay still and hold on for me a little bit longer alright? I'm not going to leave you, I'm right here." Emily kept repeating that to distract JJ while waiting for the medic to arrive.

"I didn't give in...you know?" JJ said with the smallest smile "I r-ruined his pl-plan."

"You did great JJ. I knew it, you are a tough cookie. That's why you have to hold on for a few more minutes." Emily said smiling back to her. She was smiling but was worried like hell. JJ was too pale and the bleeding didn't seem to stop, no matter how pressure she was putting on it.

"Emily... Please, don't let th-them know you f-found me like th-this. I d-don't want Will to know what Hast-"

"Shut up JJ! Stop saying this. You are getting out of here. Don't give in! Not now!"

Tears were now running down the temples of JJ. She couldn't do this anymore.

"Please... I'm tired. I c-can't... T-tell them it was qui-quick, they don't n-need to know..." She was losing consciousness, it was becoming extremely hard to find the words.

"NO! JJ, you hear me? Keep fighting! We are here! We found you! You are safe. You can't stop fighting right now. What would Will think when he knew you gave up being this close to see him and Henry again? And Henry! If you don't want to fight for me fight for him, to have the chance to hug him again, just keep fighting!" Emily felt horrible saying those things to her best friend but she had to find a way to shake her up. She was losing her.

"Damn it! Hotch! Where is the medic?" She screamed to Hotchner, who was taking care of a barely alive Cruz.

"Any moment now. They just entered the subterranean level."

"Did you hear JJ? You made it. Please, I know it's hard but stay awake for me another minute. JJ? JJ!" JJ's eyes were closing again and Emily had no idea how to keep her from giving up now. She kept thinking of when she was in her situation, with a stake coming out of her stomach, Morgan screaming at her not to fall asleep, and how difficult it was not to let go. She knew at that point she couldn't do anything else to help her friend.

She kept talking to JJ like this until finally the medic arrived. Emily had to step back and just watch as they worked on JJ trying to save her. She caught glimpse of Cruz being brought out by another unit, Hotch following them, and focused once again her attention to Jennifer. They attached her to a portable oxygen tank and quickly dressed her wound to stabilize her until her arrival to the hospital. They then put her on a gurney, covered her with a blanket and started to take her out of that basement. At that point the only thing Emily wanted to do was to stay with her friend, but she knew that she couldn't. She knew she had to do something else for her.

So she stormed out of the room and ran ahead of the medical unit. When she got out of there she saw the team talking to Hotch and organizing for their trip to the hospital. The incessant stream of questions Reid was asking to their boss stopped and she knew they had seen her. Most of all she knew they had seen the blood on her, but she didn't stop to talk to them nor she stopped to think what would their reaction be at the sight of JJ coming out of that hallway. She kept moving and opened the doors, walking out in the open. She started searching with her eyes until she saw who she was looking for. In the cold of the night, uncontrollably pacing in front of a federal SUV, was Will.

When he saw her he stormed in her direction but frozed in his tracks when he took in her conditions.

"Emily, they don't tell me anything, please! I need to know! How's she? Is she alive? Is that... Is that her blood on your clothes? God, I have to do something, I have to help her, I have to..." Will immediatly started bombarding her with question trying to understand what was going on. His eyes were red and he couldn't seem to hold it together anymore.

"Will. I need you to calm down. Now I'm going to explain you the situation but you cannot freak out because it would be useless to you and to JJ." She tried to keep her tone as detached as possible, while all she wanted to do was to cry with the broken man in front of her.

"The medic is bringing out JJ right now: they are going to put her in an ambulance and they are going to take her to the hospital. Yes, this is her blood but they have stabilized her for now so don't assume the worst, anyway she is in critical condition, which is why she needs to be brought immediatly to the hospital. Now, I know this is hard, but I have to ask you a favour. I need you not to travel in the ambulance with JJ and to wait to see her in the hospital." As Will took in what Prentiss was saying he got increasingly upset. His wife was hurt, someone had hurt her so bad that she needed immediate medical attention and he hadn't been able to protect her. He was on the verge of tears when the last words of Emily shook him with surprise and he got really mad.

"What does it mean I can't be with her? She is my wife damn it! I thought she was dead! I'm not leaving her again. You cannot ask me this Emily, she needs me!"

"Where is Henry, Will?" She interrupted him. She knew this would be his reaction.

"What? He is in the car, he just fell asleep. He kept asking about his mom. What does Henry have to do with..."

"You now have a 5 years old son who is terrified because his mom, who fights and defeats monsters and bad guys every week has disappeard and he knows something is wrong. He cannot wake up and find himself alone with a stranger because you want to stay with her right now, and you know that you wouldn't be allowed to take him in the ambulance. He cannot see her like this. I know she wouldn't want him to see her in this condition. This is why I am asking to wait, stay with your son and see her later. He needs you more than she does; he needs someone he can rely on, a strong figure. I saw her, Will, and you don't know how much it hurt, so I can't imagine what it would do to you, it would upset you beyond words, and you would be of no support for Henry or JJ this way. If the roles were reversed what would she do? What would you want her to do?" She stopped talking to let her words sink in.

After moments of silence, he took a deep breath, swallowed the tears and said

"She would stay with Henry. That would be the right thing to do. I wouldn't want my son to be alone, and neither would she."

They stood there quietly for a while, until they heard some noises and saw a medical unit bringing someone on a gurney out of the building and straight to the ambulance. Emily turned and saw the trepidation in Will's eyes, the need to get close to the woman he loved most in the world, but he restrained himself and instead looked at her straight in the eyes.

"Tell me we're gonna get through this." He whispered to her, almost pleading. She could do nothing to soothe his pain so she just gave him a pained smile that didn't even reached her eyes.

"Ok..." He just said. Then, putting himself together turned around and walked towards the car wher Henry was resting. She kept staring at him for a while, suddenly feeling extremely tired, but the sound of the sirens on the ambulance shook her from her trance. She walked back to reunite with the team and drive together to the hospital. As she walked towards them she started hearing bits and pieces of conversation but just one thing stood out, the voice of Rossi saying

"He managed to escape..."

At that point she realized that, if one nightmare had ended, she was pretty sure that another one had just begun.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds**

Emily joined the team outside of the building, eager to be informed about the current situation. As she approached them, everyone stopped talking to look at her and with one glance she realized that all of them were just as exhausted as she was. The adrenaline was wearing out and all that remained now was a feeling of tiredness, fatigue and sadness.

"Were you talking to Will?" Reid asked once she was there. Emily just nodded. Even an action as simple as talking seemed to be hard in that moment.

"How is he?" The young genius pressed her.

"Well how do you think he is? I just had to go to him, after he had spent more than 24 hours in torment of not knowing what had happened to his wife, and tell him he couldn't see her. I had to look at him straight in the eyes and deny him the only thing that would have brought him a moment of relief, all of this with JJ's blood still on me." She violently snapped at him. She knew his was an innocent question but she hadn't been able to restrain herself.

Reid glanced down at his feet after her remark. Looking at his pained expression and at the ones on the others' faces she immediatly realized she had went too far.

"Great, I'm an idiot." She thought. Now she was taking her anger out on her friends, who had done nothing wrong, and she immediatly felt bad for it.

"Sorry, Reid" She apologized. "I don't know what came over me."

"It's my fault, I shouldn't have asked..." he tried to take the blame and justify her but she stopped him.

"No it's not. I snapped at you and I had no right to do it. I can't blame you for being concerned. It's just... I hate this, feeling useless. I hate that I can't do anything to help JJ and most of all I hate what I had to do with Will." She still could see the tears in the man's eyes, looking at her anguished, as she had remained cold and detached.

"You are not useless Emily" Rossi interrupted her "You managed to get JJ out of that basement still alive and we all know what you did with Will was the right thing. We know JJ and we know she would have wanted her husband to stay with their kid, rather than leaving him alone to be with her and achieve nothing except being extremely upset. Also, JJ just went through a terrible ordeal. She needs to be as peaceful as possible. For Will to see her in that state would have just added to her worries and now the psychological and emotional toll on her would be far worse than it already is. By acting like you did, you protected both Will and JJ."

"Yeah, well... I still feel like crap for doing it." They all smiled supportively at her and she smiled back taking a deep, long breath. She knew they had to focus on other things right now. So she straightened up and spoke to the team.

"I heard you guys talking, can you brief me on what happened during the shooting?" She didn't really want to know the answer but, at the same time, she needed full confirmation of her fears. She saw the different reactions to her question, how Morgan clenched his jaw, how Reid closed his eyes and started scratching his palm, how Rossi just shaked his head. In the end it was the newest member of this team, someone she would have preferred meeting on other circumstances, who answered her.

"As you and Hotchner entered the hallway we were caught in the crossfire." Blake reported. "In the middle of the shooting we saw Hastings running to the rooftop and we realized he was using this as a diversion. Morgan immediatly went after him but a bullet grazed him and forced him to stop his chase." Emily looked shocked at Derek and for the first time she noticed the bandage on his right arm. He made her a gesture to let her know it was nothing, but still she wondered, how did she not see that?

"After a while we managed to overpower them but, by the time we had arrived on the rooftop, Hastings was already gone. He probably had a helicopter waiting for him." Everyone was silent. By letting him escape they all felt like they had failed JJ. Emily was furious. She was angry that he was still free, that she hadn't arrived in time to stop him, that with all the suffering JJ went through he still had gotten away.

In that moment the darkest side of her, the one she kept hidden from all the ones she loved made her look at the situation with other eyes. If he wasn't dead she had a target. He was someone running and breathing whom she could hunt. She could concentrate all her anger on him and she could still make him suffer as he had done with her friend. She still hadn't told the team the state JJ was in when she had found her and she didn't want to do it. She didn't know if she should wait for a doctor to tell them or reveal that herself, all of this only if JJ made it past the night.

"Emily, do you hear me?" She snapped out of her thoughts as she heard Morgan calling her.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"I said we just saw a glimpse of JJ as they were taking her out, but you were with her down there. How was she?" She looked at their concerned expressions and didn't find anything to say that could reassure them. Her eyes met Hotch's.

"It was bad, Derek." That was the only thing that she uttered. He was rightfully upset and started pacing back and forth.

"I think... Yeah, I'm going to call Garcia. No one warned her and she should be told that we found her friend. She should know JJ is safe, that we got here on time" He was repeating that like a mantra, like there was no alternative to this 'happy ending'.

"The ambulance left, so I think we should move too." Hotch took charge of the situation. He was acting as if this was a normal case but they knew him too well and could see how worn out he really was.

"Morgan, you go, get Garcia and meet us at the hospital. We take two cars. Rossi, Blake and Reid in one. You Prentiss, with me. Let's go."

Everybody moved and as soon Emily got to the car she collapsed on the front seat. Closing her eyes, she focused on the silence surrounding her. All that chaos, all that noises were now muffled and for a moment she forgot the events of the night, delighting in that brief moment of peace and quiet. It took her a while to notice that Hotch was now in the car.

"How is Cruz?" She asked, her eyes still closed.

"Medic said he would be fine, that the situation was under control."

She just nodded at his response. Then opend her eyes but didn't look at him, she just stared at nothing in front of her.

"You saw her, right? You saw her clothes." It wasn't even a question, she just needed to say it.

He was silent for a moment, then she heard a whisper.

"Yes." With that he started the engine and they drove to the hospital.

* * *

Will was breaking. He was in the back seat of the SUV, hugging his sleeping son, being escorted by agent Anderson to the hospital where his JJ was fighting between life and death. His mind kept taking him back to their first meeting, 7 years ago: he had been immediatly struck by her. This blonde Pennsylvania girl who looked so small and delicate at first impression but then was capable of showing an amazing amount of strength, taking nonsense from nobody and facing the worst kind of criminals. He remembered how, after their evening at the pub and that not-so-subtle flirtation she had so poorly tried to reject, he had thought "God, I wanna spend more nights like this." When she left, he had been surprised to notice how sad he actually was. He wanted to have the chance to know her better, he had never felt like this for any other woman in his life. He recalled the happiness he had felt when she had agreed to meet him again in New Orleans, before he even knew that would be the start of the most beautiful time of his life.

He didn't seem remember how hard it had been in the beginning to make their relationship work, their fight when she had revealed she had kept their thing a secret, their struggle with her impossible work schedules. All he could think of was how her lips tasted when he had kissed her in front of everyone, how she had relaxed in his arms knowing she didn't have to keep this secret anymore and could be fully happy, without having to restrain herself. How peaceful she seemed resting her head against his chest and subconsciously tugging at his shirt to draw him near her when she was sleeping. How her blue eyes would shine with happiness every time she would come home after a case and find him waiting for her. But most of all he kept thinking about her expression of pure joy when she had held for the first time their baby and how in that moment he had thought no man could be this blissful. His life was truly a blessing.

And he couldn't believe all of this could be taken away from him so fast. In no more than 24 hours his life had become a true hell. He couldn't think of an existance without JJ. Yes, Emily had told him she was being treated but his wife wasn't off the hook yet. He had seen Prentiss' clothes and he knew what kind of damage was required for someone to lose so much blood. Emily had tried to reassure him, but he couldn't calm down. He was a detective. He had acted like she had a million times with the family of victims and he knew the seriousness of the situation. JJ was hurt, badly hurt, she could die. This was happening, it wasn't a bad dream.

"Daddy?" Henry had woken up and was looking at him worried. He was 5 years old but knew something bad was happening.

"Yeah, buddy? Tell me." He straightened up and tried to pull himself together for his son's sake.

"Where are we going? Have they found mommy?" Will wanted to cry once again as he saw the hopeful expression on his son's face. He had to try and find a way to explain him what was happening.

"Yeah buddy. They found mommy. They couldn't find her before because the bad guys she fights had taken her and hidden her away from us. Now, mommy's friends, her team, beat this bad guys but she is hurt so we are going to the hospital where they can try and make her feel good again." God, right now he wanted to be a 5 years old kid. He wanted someone to tell him a story like this and he wanted the naivety and purity necessary to believe it.

"Is mom going to be ok?" Henry asked on the verge of tears.

"I don't know, buddy. I don't know." He hugged is son who nestled in his lap and they stayed like that until Anderson stopped the car and informed them they were arrived.

He got out of the car, took Henry in his arms and ran inside the hospital. He started asking loudly about Agent Jareau when a nurse told him to follow her and led him into a room where he found his wife's unit.

"Before you ask Will, we arrived only minutes before you did and we don't know anything except that she is still in surgery." Hotch explained to him before he could talk.

"She's in surgery? Why the hell is my wife in surgery? What happened in there? What did they do to her?" He said almost screaming. He was exhausted and controlling himself was becoming harder.

"Maybe we should wait to discuss this." Emily said gesturing towards Henry. Will knew she was right, he couldn't let his son hear this. He was thinking about a solution when he heard a voice behind him.

"Hey Henry? Do you remember me? I'm Grant. We met at the wedding of your parents and tonight I brought you and your dad here from your mom's office. I'm a friend of them. What do you think if you and I go to play in this room nearby while your daddy talks with your mom's friends?" Agent Anderson had followed them and now was offering Will the chance to finally know what was happening.

Will smiled to him thankfully and then spoke to his son, who was looking at him to know what to do.

"Yes, buddy. Go play with Grant. I need to discuss something with the others. Don't worry, I'll be right here ok?" His son nodded, and followed Anderson in the room next to theirs. Once they got out Hotch spoke, wanting to get straight to the point.

"You already know JJ and Cruz had been working on a classified case. After their abduction we started digging and we found out that she and Cruz were part of a task force assigned to identify terrorists in Afghanistan. Also they were provided with codes used to access to files revealing the identities of several undercover agents. JJ was pulled out of the task force after she found out that two members of the team, Tivon Askari and Michael Hastings, were actually traitors. They are responsible for Cruz and JJ's kidnapping. They were tortured for informations on the codes. We got there on time but JJ's conditions were critical, that's why she needed to get to the hospital so fast. Also... you should know that, while Askari is dead, Hastings managed to get away, but we are going to do everything we can to locate him." Hotch had spoken with no interruptions. He knew it was a lot for Will to take in but he had to know.

Will listened in shock to what Hotch was saying until two facts made him lose control.

"You are telling me...!" He screamed before restraining himself, remembering Henry was in the room next to his, "You are telling me that my wife was not only tortured and is now fighting for her life but that the man responsible for this is still out there?" His breathing sped up while he became increasingly enraged. He looked at Hotch straight in the eyes.

"You find him. You find him and you bring him to me." Seeing him like this they all felt responsible for letting Hastings escape and silence filled the room. Now they could only wait. A some point they were joined by Morgan and Garcia, who immediatly started bombarding them with questions about her 'buttercup', until she spotted Will. She stopped talking, sat next to him and holding his hand just said "She'll be ok."

They waited for another hour until a doctor entered the room and approached them.

"Family of Jennifer Jareau?" Will sprang from the seat and nodded. "I'm her husband, and this is her family." The doctor looked carefully at the people in the room and asked again.

"Are you sure? Because only direct relatives can..."

"They are her family." Will interrupted. "Now please, just tell us." He begged. The doctor saw the tired and pained expressions on their faces and complied.

"Alright. I'm doctor Hayes. I performed surgery on agent Jareau. She suffered a perforated spleen due to a stab wound and when she got here she had already lost a lot of blood. She coded once while we were operating but we managed to save her. She is stable now, and out of danger. She should wake up in a few hours." the news gave some relief to the team, after having spent more than 24 hours in fear that someone they loved so much would die.

"I'm afraid that's the end of the good news though." The doctor said sadly. Panic started rising again, especially in Will and Garcia, who didn't know in what state JJ had been found. She clinged to Derek trying to find some sort of comfort.

"The damage agent Jareau suffered was disturbingly impressive. In my career I hardly remember someone in this conditions still alive. We found water in her lungs, probably from some sort of drowning. The left side of her torso was covered in burns coherent with prolonged electrocution. Her left shoulder is dislocated and she presents a fractured left cheekbone and 3 broken ribs on her right side, probably from a sharp hit or kick. Also around 40% of her body is covered in bruises and cuts. We treated the burns and the shoulder, the rest should heal with time with no problem. She is going to need time, help and counseling but I believe she will recover."

They couldn't believe what they were hearing. It was horryfing how badly they had hurt their JJ. They worked with this kind of monsters everyday but knowing that one of them had gone through all of that because of people like this shocked them anyways. Dr Hayes could se how much they were broken by what she had just revealed. The funny woman with the weard dress was now having a sobbing fit, wrapped in the arms of the good-looking man sitting next to her who was now clenching his fists trying to control his rage. The eldest man and woman were shaking their heads and trying to hold back tears, and the boy who couldn't have been more than 30 had is mouth open in disbelief and was scratching nervously his palm. It was the man in front of her, the husband, who seemed to be the one having the hardest time processing what she had told them. He kept pacing back and forth saying to himself something like "Not my JJ" and "She's fine now". The doctor felt her heart breaking and decided to leave to let them digest the news.

"Wait." She saw a dark haired woman sitting in the corner. She hadn't noticed her before but now, looking at her and seeing her blood-covered clothes, she realized she was the one who had found agent Jareau.

"Did you tell us everything? is there anything else?" She asked not looking at her, staring into nothing and the doctor feared she already knew the answer.

After being silent for a minute she spoke to Will.

"Would you follow me outside, please?" This caused him to panic again, especially after turning to Emily and seeing a tear running down her face.

"No wait, what is it? Tell me!"

"Maybe we should discuss this more privately..." Dr Hayes tried, wanting to spare them more pain.

"No! They're her family, they need to know. Just tell me. What is wrong? Please!" The doctor looked at him with sympathy and noticing the others in the room were as anxious as he was, she complied.

"After we completed surgery on agent Jareau, we performed... a pelvic exam. I'm very sorry to say that the results came back positive. We found blood and samples of semen, as well as several vaginal tearings, one of them deep enough to require stitches. We collected a rape-kit, in case it is needed as evidence. Again, I am really sorry." She didn't have time to finish that Will had already stormed out of the room. While the doctor was talking, he slowly understood the full meaning of what she was saying. At first his brain didn't process the news, but then realization hit him and he suddenly felt dizzy and nauseous. Trying to overcome the shock he realized he was going to be sick, so he ran to the first restroom he found and emptied his stomach. He stayed like that, crouched on the ground, dry-heaving in the toilet. He didn't want to believe that they had hurt her so much. They had done the unspeakable to the love of his life. He knew these men were monsters but he didn't think that they would actually come to this, that they would ra- no, he couldn't even think that word and connect it to JJ. No no no, it wasn't true. This was a nightmare, he would wake up and find his beautiful wife smiling at him because nothing was wrong. He was lost in his thoughts, struggling even to breathe when he heard the door of the restroom opening. He didn't raise his head until a figure approached him and crouched down next to him. He looked up and saw Emily's eyes red with tears she was trying and failing to hold back.

"Emily... They, oh G-God, they..." He was breathing heavily and trying to speak without even knowing what he really wanted to say. She gently put a hand around his head, to draw him near her, and wrapped the other around him, holding him. He rested his head on her shoulder hugging her back and finally, in her embrace, after more than a day of controlling himself, he broke down in tears and desperately cried.


	4. Chapter 4

******Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal minds**

Emily didn't know how long she held Will like that. It surely felt like ages. Hearing this man crying and sobbing this way broke her heart once againg, not only because of his suffering, but also for her own. Unlike Will, who she hoped had found even a small release in breaking down like that, she was holding everything together by herself. She couldn't afford the luxury of letting go and let her emotions overwhelm her. She had to be strong, she had to be his rock, just like she had told him to do with Henry. He needed this, he had just discovered that his wife had suffered the most horrific violation and, since she couldn't protect him from the horrible truth, she could at least be his shoulder to cry on and try and provide him with some comfort. All this pain and feelings were wearing her out though. What she really wanted to do was scream and cry and punch a wall, letting go of her sadness and anger, but that would have been of no use to herself, Will or JJ anyway. So she just stayed there, in silence, waiting for his sobbing to subside.

When he finally calmed down, Emily let go of him and gently took his hands between hers.

"Will, I know you are hurting and scared and all this seems unreal. I feel the same, I am hurting like you. I want to curl up and stay hidden in this restroom forever because it would be so much easier than dealing with all of this, than dealing with the knowledge that someone... that someone hurt JJ. However we can't do that right now. She is going to wake up in a few hours and she's going to be terrified, confused and in pain, and she is going to need us. She is going to need you more than anyone. You have to hold on for her."

She was so tired and her brain was starting to play nasty tricks on her, taking her back to hours before, when she was giving a similar speech to a dying JJ, blood seeping through her hands, telling her to hold on and fight. She snapped out of her thoughts and focused again on Will, who was now rubbing his eyes to stop more tears from falling down. He then exhaled heavily, trying to put himself together. He had understood what Emily was saying and he knew she was right, but he couldn't seem to move from the ground or concentrate on anything. Reasoning on what to do, suddenly a thought ran through his mind making him anxious.

"Henry! I left him alone for too long. I have to go see him. Anderson was nice to take care of him but he doesn't really..."

"Reid is with him." She immediatly interrupted him to reassure him. "He took Anderson's place while I was coming here. You can see him as soon as we get out, there's no need to worry. You know how much that kid loves his favourite profiler."

Will gave a hint of a smile but then his face clouded over again.

"We should go back. It's time. What do you say? Do you feel ready?" She told him. Will just nodded, then they both stood up. He went near the sink and splashed water on his face to pull himself together before exiting the room. They got out and she led him to the room where Henry was. Before going in Will turned and said to her.

"Thank you, Emily. You don't know how much you are helping me. All...this, is just horrible and... well, I'm just glad you are here. For me and for her." She smiled at him and said nothing, watching him as he entered the room. As soon as the door closed she dragged herself to where she had left the rest of the team. They hadn't moved from the room, too much in shock to do anything. Once in, she fell on the first chair she found, phisically and emotionally spent. Nobody said a word to her. There was no need to ask where she had gone or how Will was. Watching her partners, her attention was drawn by the bloodied bandage that now was around Morgan's right hand.

"What happened?" Emily asked gesturing to his injury. Rossi didn't talk. He simply pointed to a hole in the wall right behind her.

"Couldn't keep it together anymore. I just needed to find a way to blow off steam." Morgan said with clenched teeth.

"Yeah. I bet that must have felt good." Emily chuckled with no glee. To have the chance to take out even the smallest amount of anger seemed so delightful.

"You knew it, didn't you?" That small, pained broken voice made her heart freeze. She turned to face Garcia's puffy red eyes.

"You knew what they had done to her, that's why you stopped the doctor." The usually cheerful woman was now very pale and, with her ruined mascara and tears running down her cheeks, resembled a broken doll. Emily lowered her head under the stare of the entire team and struggled to find what to say.

"I... uh... I saw her clothes. I saw her pants were missing and I prayed to God to be wrong. I wasn't..."

"You should have told us!" Garcia lashed out at her. "You had no right to keep that from us! We waited here for hours agonizing over the thought of what had happened to JJ and you knew all along. I mean, why... we're her family, we... I don't know, we could have..."

"You could have what? What would have changed, what would be different now if I had told you everything?" Emily was done. All the emotions she had been trying to suppress, all the anger, the pain, the guilt resurfaced stronger than ever and she exploded in front of everyone.

"I was the one who found her broken and bleeding in that hellhole. I was the one who saw her ready to give up because the pain was too much. I had to listen to her begging me not to tell you and Will what that son of a bitch had done to her because she wanted to save you from more suffering. I saw the light in her eyes fade away as she stopped fighting and in that moment I thought for sure that my friend wouldn't survive. Realizing what probably had happened to her almost killed me on the spot. If I had told you immediatly and after everything she had died anyway, you and especially Will would have suffered immeasurably for nothing. So, I'm sorry everyone that I didn't act the way you wanted, but what would you have done? Tell me!" Emily was now standing in the middle of the room, screaming with her face red at a visibly upset Penelope, who had never seen the woman lose it like that.

"Alright, knock it off now." Hotch interrupted their quarrel. "Starting to attack each other is meaningless. We are all tired and worried but that doesn't mean we can act out like this." Silence fell in the tension-filled room. Emily was having a really hard time trying to regain control.

"I need some air." She muttered and with that walked out of the room, bumping into Reid who had just left Henry and Will and was oblivious to the situation.

"Emily? What happened?" He got no response from the woman, who just ignored him and kept going. "Why was she screaming?" He stared at the distraught faces of his friends.

"Fine. If you don't want to tell me, I'm going to ask her." He turned ready to go after Emily when a hand on his arm stopped him.

"Don't Reid. Just let it go. I've got this." Blake told him, then exited the room and went looking for Prentiss. She found her after a while, sitting at the bottom of the stairs, with an angry look on her face, violently chewing her fingernails.

"You know they did you no wrong, right?" Emily surprised looked up to find Blake smiling and pointing at her ruined nails. "Can I join you?" She asked and Emily just nodded.

"So... The famous Emily Prentiss..." Blake said sitting next to her. "Heard so many things about you, some of them actually pretty scary, others wildly amusing. Your prank to the 'FBI agent' it's like a legend in the unit. In the beginning I was almost scared to fill in for you. They can't literally stop talking about you."

"Yet they hate me now and they blame me." Emily said, sorrow filling her now that the anger was fading.

"They don't blame you and certainly they don't hate you, especially Garcia. Look, I don't know you very much but I know them. I've been a part of this team for a little more than a year and I already feel like they are my family so I can imagine how strong your bond is, even though you left. The way they talk about you... You're family. You always will be, And they could never hate you." Emily could feel her eyes tingle once again. This woman she barely knew had been able to calm her and had eased that feeling of guilt so oppressing.

"God, you know? I really wish we had met on a different occasion." Emily rubbed her face and then smiled at Alex.

"Yeah, tell me about it." They both laughed softly before a small voice caught their attention.

"Emily?" Garcia was standing there fidgeting nervously, almost hiding behind the corner. "Can we talk for a second?" Emily looked at her then she stood up and approached her. Blake just rested a hand on her shoulder in a comforting way and left the two alone.

"I'm sorry Emily. I'm really really sorry. I'm an idiot and I don't think before opening my mouth. I shouldn't have blamed you, I know, but I'm so scared and angry..."

"Didn't cross your mind that I feel the same as you?" Emily asked quietly, resting her back against the wall and turning her head to face the computer genius.

"Yes! That's exactly why I'm apologizing. I would never think it's your fault. I have no brain-to-mouth filter and this time I really put my foot in it. Derek always says I should learn to bite my tongue sometimes but this is different, I had no reason to..."

"Garcia, calm down." Emily interrupted the hysterical stream of words of Penelope. "I'm not angry. It doesn't matter. You were right, I should have told you. It's fine."

"No! No! It's not fine! Yes, I wish you would have told us but I shold have never snapped at you like that and made you feel like it was your fault. I'm hurting because my friend is lying in a hospital bed but with my behaviour I just hurt another friend and that is the last thing I would ever want to do. I'm so used to be able to rely on you that I forgot that this is hard for you again, I'm so so so so sorry. Can you forgive me?"

Emily looked into the pleading eyes of Garcia and suddenly pulled her into a crushing hug, taking the woman, not used to an emotional Prentiss, completely by surprise.

"Of course. There's nothing to forgive. We are all on the edge and it's fine ok to lose control in moments like these." As she said those words, Emily wasn't really sure if she was talking to Penelope or to herself. When they finally let go, they both took a deep breath and leaned on the wall, until Penelope broke silence once again.

"How can she do it? How can she go through all of this and be herself again?" Emily really had no answer. She remembered how hard it had been for her to get over the events with Doyle and JJ had suffered much worse. Therefore she thought to what had helped her overcome her trauma.

"She's gonna need time. And help. But she has us and Will and Henry. We're going to be there for her. Also, she is one of the toughest women I know, even though she doesn't give credit to herself. Don't underestimate your buttercup." She tried to joke, and achieved a small smile from Garcia. Finally they moved and, as theywere walking back, Blake ran towards them.

"Hurry up! Doctor Hayes says we can see her!" The three women stormed through the hallway and joined the rest of the team, that was pressing the doctor to get more information.

"Everybody needs to calm down. Now, you can go in together and see Agent Jareau, but only for five minutes. After that until she wakes up, I can allow you to stay in the room only one at the time. I'm sorry but it's protocol." She immediatly stopped the complaining. She then lead them to a private room in the ICU.

"Before you go inside, I have to warn you. Her condition might be disturbing. Just try to remember that she is out of harm's way now and that she is going to wake up soon." As she talked, she looked straight at Will. He was extremely distraught and both dreaded and long for the doctor to open the door, behind which his wife was... sleeping.

"Alright then." Doctor Hayes escorted them inside. None of them was prepared for what they saw, and Will for a moment forgot how to breathe. Before them lied a small person who resembled JJ but surely couldn't be her. She looked nothing like the strong, radiant woman always so full of life that they all knew. Will was shocked at that sight. His JJ was horribly pale and, if they hadn't told him the contrary, he would have been sure she was dead. In trance he got close to the bed she was in, almost to make sure it was actually her. Her face was black and blue with bruises, her left eye was swollen shut and a nasty stitched cut ran under it. Through the oxygen mask he could see her cracked lower lip was cut as well. He let his eyes wander to take in every injury on JJ's body. Her wrists were bruised and rubbed raw, and her left arm was encased in a brace, to immobilize her disclocated shoulder. An IV was attached to her right arm and there were wires connecting her to every sort of medical machine. The rest of her body was covered by the sheets and he didn't want to imagine what she looked like under the hospital gown. Shaking, Will stretched out a hand to touch her but stopped, afraid to hurt her. The others were behind him, too upset to do anything. Even Emily was astonished by JJ's state. Only now she could realize the true extent of the damage she had suffered.

"I'm sorry but you have to get out now." Doctor Hayes said reluctantly. "Only one of you can stay. You can take turns but I have to ask the others to leave." It took them a while to understand what the doctor was saying but finally they moved, no need to decide which one of them would stay first. Before exiting, Emily whispered to him.

"Take all the time you need, Will." Then she joined the others outside, where she found them with tears in their eyes. Garcia seemed inconsolable and hugging tightly Morgan she couldn't stop crying. "Oh Derek! What did they do to her? Not JJ! Not my sweet JJ!" Everybody was devastated by the sight of their hurt friend, but right now they couldn't do anything except wait for her to wake up.

In the meantime, Will still hadn't moved. His brain was trying to process what he was seeing. The initial shock eventually subsided. He angrily rubbed the tears away from his face, took a chair and sat next to JJ, on the right side. He leaned towards her, and delicatly took her hand in his, rubbing circles on it in a soothing motion. Then he bent down and placed the softest of kisses on the back of her hand.

"I'm here, my love." he whispered resuming his caressing. "You are safe now, JJ. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you again. I'm right here next to you. You are fine, everything is going to be fine. You are going to wake up soon and show me those beautiful blue eyes. You are going to see your baby star again. He's going to shower you with kisses ad hug you so tight and everthing will be back to the way it was. I promise you I'll never complain again on your crazy schedules, or on who washes the dishes or on Henry's bedtime. Just come back to me, Jayje please. I love you so much. Come back." He sat there next to his wife, not conscious of everything else. He didn't know how much time had passed when Emily peeped out from behind the door.

"Will?" She called him. He unwillingly let go of his wife's hand and joined the brunette.

"I'm sorry, but we need you. Henry is asking about you and JJ and is getting really upset. I didn't want to come here and bother you but I don't think anyone else can make him calm down. We can try again if you want but I don't think.."

"Yeah, no. You're right." He had completely forgotten about his son. How could he? He shook his head to pull himself together "I'm going, just Emily... don't leave her alone." She mouthed 'ok' and, as he left, turned to her friend. She sat next to her in silence for a while, barely looking at her bruised face. Instead she focused on the steady beeping of the machine in front of her.

"So... looks like you finally managed to make me drop my job at the Interpol to join the old team. Stubborn as ever, uh? I do have to admit that I miss here. Those british people can sometimes be really snobby and they don't really understand when I'm being sarcastic. And what is this obsession with that period drama show, Downton Castle or something? Rich people treating badly other rich people while being served by poor people who treat badly other poor people. Seriously, what is their deal? I'm really starting to miss Reid and Garcia talking about Star Trek." She was trying to lighten the mood. Her poor attempts at joking were the only way she could handle this. She didn't know she could face her true feelings right now. Unfortunately she soon realized it was useless, and fell silent again.

"You know, I would have never thought we would be in this position. I mean, you and I, the team, with the life that we lead, we've been through a lot. We saw things that normal people think exist only in nightmares, but it didn't matter, because we had each other, and above all we had you. I had you." Emily could feel a lump forming in her throat. It was happening again. She was trying to be strong but it was becoming too hard.

"After Doyle... I didn't think I could move on, leaving everyone behind and starting a new life. But you were there for me when I had thought I had no one in the world. You gave me the strenght to go on. If I had a rough day, I could contact you and you would make me feel better. I don't think you realize how important those stupid online scrabble games were to me. You showed me I didn't have to face everything alone. You are the reason I started trusting people again. You... What I'm trying to say is that you're important. To me, to the others. You are the heart of this family. We can't function without you. You should see Garcia. She's so angry she almost ripped off my head and Morgan? Well, all I'm saying is Hastings should fear the day he gets his hands on him." Emily was now holding JJ's hand. She knew the blonde couldn't hear her but she was trying to get through to her, thus she had forced herself to face her.

"Do you understand now why you have to come back? We need you so much. You remember when you told me I was a blackbird? Well, if I'm the blackbird you are the phoenix. A phoenix rises from the ashes to thrive again, so do it JJ. Rise, come back to us. For the team, for me, for Will. Come back to Henry and Will."

At first she thought she had imagined it, but then she felt it more clearly. Fingers tightening around her hand. In shock she looked more closely and saw JJ's eyes moving behind her lids. Emily immediatly pushed the button to call the nurse, then screamed.

"Will! Will, move! I think she is waking up!" Moments later she heard Will coming through the door, followed by a nurse and doctor Hayes, who had struggled to keep the others out of the room. She wanted to remove Prentiss and Will from there too but it took one look to understand that it would have been impossible.

"What happened?" The doctor just asked. "I was talking to her when she squeezed my hand. And her eyelids are moving." Emily explained.

"Agent Jareau, can you hear me? I'm doctor Hayes, you are in hospital." It was Will who was now holding her hand, while the doctor tried to speak to his wife. He needed to know it was true, that Emily hadn't made a mistake, and when JJ actually squeezed his hand, his heart filled with joy.

"JJ, it's me baby. It's Will. Wake up, please." He said, seeing her good eye starting to open up without focusing on anything. He kept talking to draw her attention.

"Yeah, come on baby. Open those eyes for me." while he was speaking her hand relaxed and Will, afraid she was losing consciousness once again, tightened his grip. That made her hand stiffen and she weakly tried to get free from his hold. JJ started taking short, fast breaths and they could hear her mutter something from behind the oxygen mask.

"Her heartbeat is increasing." The nurse informed them. As the doctor tried to calm her down, JJ's struggles doubled until she started squirming in her bed and suddenly, under the terrifed looks of Will and Emily, her eye sprang open, she shot up in the bed and started screaming.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Hello everybody! Thank you to all of you for being so supportive! I know this situation is crazy and annoying, so I'm really grateful for your help, love and support. I couldn't have done this without you! So, I found the last chapters of my story and I'm putting them up once again, so now we are back to where we left off. Don't give up hope! I'm writing the new chapter, it's just that tomorrow I have an exam so probably it will be posted in the weekend. I have to admit, it is kind of a downer going from more than 50 reviews and 70 followers to these current numbers but, I don't blame any of you for this situation and as long as I know there is still someone who enjoys my story I am more than satisfied, so thank you to everyone who took time to review and follow this once again. ****Also, I forgot to say that every advice and constructive criticism is more than welcome. Just let me know what you think! **

**That said, as usual... Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal M****inds**

JJ was dead. Or at least she thought she was. She was surrounded by darkness, everything was quiet and, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't remember how she had gotten there, even though she didn't know where 'there' was. Actually she couldn't remember anything about what had happened. She wasn't scared, on the contrary she felt strangely calm. She just curious and also a bit annoyed by the situation. She was dead and she couldn't remember how. Really absurd. She did her best to recall her last memory but failed miserably. Everything was gone. It was really starting to bother her. After reflecting on what to do, she suddenly decided to examine her body to try and get more informations on her status, but that's when it hit her. Not only she couldn't see her body, she couldn't move it too. She couldn't move! She was aware of every single part of her body, but everything was numb. That really upset her. Was death really like this? Being stuck in silence and darkness with no memory whatsoever for eternity? No warm feeling? No tunnel with the white light at the end of it?

She continued to ruminate on all of this when suddenly she heard something. She wasn't sure what it was, the noises were muffled, like she was listening from inside a bubble. Also, she couldn't understand where the sound was coming from. It was surrounding her, it was around her, above her. JJ had to know what it was, so she focused all her attention on it and slowly, as the sound became more clear, she understood. It was a voice! Someone was there and was talking to her. JJ couldn't still make out what the voice was saying. If only she could move and get closer to it. Was it a man? Was it a woman? Was it more than one person? Knowing there was nothing she could do, JJ just relaxed and concentrated on the voice, not thinking about anything else, until it slowly crept up on her. She knew this voice. It was so familiar, yet she couldn't place it. She couldn't give a face to it; the only thing she was certain of was that she could trust this unrecognized person. There was nothing to fear.

She thought nothing weirder could happen when she felt it. The same person that was talking to her was now holding her hand. She could distinctly feel a thumb caressing the back of it. It was such a light and gentle touch that she realized it could only come from someone good and who loved her. All she wanted to do was to respond to the touch, but her fingers wouldn't move and her frustration increased. Everything around her was becoming more and more clear but still she wasn't able to react. She didn't know if the female voice (it was a woman!) was speaking louder or she could simply understand her better, but JJ started hearing precise words until something shocked her.

"...back to Henry and Will." Henry and Will? Who were...? Wait, her son and husband! The voice knew them and was asking her to go back to them. She had to let the woman know that she was listening, understanding. She focused on her unmoving fingers and put all her efforts into making this simple movement. She could feel the numbness in the hand slowly fade away and, finally, she was able to squeeze. Yes! She did it. Now she had to be sure the other woman had really noticed, so she concentrated and tightened her fingers again. She was so proud of herself and was about to try another time, when the woman started screaming.

This wasn't right. It was too loud, her head was hurting. She felt the held loosen as the woman let go of her hand. She didn't want her to leave and tried to hold her back, but she couldn't focus. There was too much noise. More voices were surrounding her now and worried, she tried to look around and see where the woman was. Suddenly a white explosion hit her eyes and she closed them in pain, going back to darkness. It was as if someone had pointed a flash right to her face. Scared she tried to call out, with no success when unexpectedly somebody resumed touching her and her fingers closed around the hand, longing for contact. This hand was different, bigger and more callous but no less gentle. It was a man's hand and when she heard him speak the daze feeling disappeared and all her worries flew out of the window. She would have recognized that southern accent everyday.

"JJ, it's me baby..." Will was there. He was there with her; that meant she couldn't possibly be dead. Now all JJ wanted to do was look at him. She could hear him but she couldn't see him. She tried once again to open her eyes but that flash hit her once more and she was forced to shut them. She couldn't stop now. This time she tried more slowly and finally the light that was blinding her before started to grow dim and she was able to make out three figures standing over her. They were blurry and she couldn't see their faces, but one of those shapes was unmistakable and, at the sight of him, a sudden calmness came over her and she relaxed.

Her husband was next to her. A sense of serenity washed over her. She didn't know what had happened, but she didn't care. He was there. Nothing could hurt her. She was safe.

"Yeah, come on baby. Open those eyes for me." Those few words broke the spell.

_"Oh yeah, come on baby. Open those eyes for me. Show Matt how much you are enjoying this." A rough hand was between her hair, tugging violently at it to force her to turn her head, while another had sneaked under her and was groping her breast. Every part of her body was in searing pain and she was pretty sure he was tearing her out with every thrust. No matter how hard she tried to restrain herself, in the end the pain was too much and she started screaming._

Everything came back. Every single event rushed through her mind, all the fear, desperation and suffering, and she realized she had been wrong all this time. She wasn't safe, not at all. She wasn't dead but she was in hell. She was still captive and they were playing nasty tricks on her mind, making her believe she had been rescued, just to torture her more. Her hand was still being held but what first was a welcomed contact, now was scaring and unbearable. She tried to get free but the grip only tightened and that's when she panicked. They were trying to restrain her, to keep her from getting away so they would have the chance to hurt her again. She tried to protest, to say no, but something was on her face, making talking more difficult. She started having trouble breathing and she gasped for the air she longed so much. The mere thought of what they would do to her if they managed to subdue her was terrifying. JJ started struggling again, only with more intensity. She tried to make her eyes work, to focus, but one wouldn't seem to open and with the other everything was a blur. She could only see those three figures looming over her, holding her down. In these conditions she was completely powerless, however she didn't stop fighting. She wouldn't let them take her again. Her struggling increased more and more until she finally was able to open her eye, shot up and started screaming for them to get away.

That sudden movement made pain shoot through her entire body: her face felt like somebody had stomped on it, she couldn't move her left arm and with every breath she felt like she was being stabbed on her right side. She tried to take in her surroundings, but she was having a hard time focusing and she was feeling dizzy again. Her efforts had taken away all her energies. She thought she was going to pass out when she realized someone was approaching her and she flinched, recoiling from every touch.

"We have to sedate her." She heard someone saying and, stricken with panic, she writhed even more. No. No more drugs. They wanted to weaken her and she couldn't allow them to do that.

"Back off. Nobody touch her." A familiar voice ordered and she tensed, ready to spring. Her heart was beating a mile a minute and that thing on her face was giving her a sense of oppression. She brought the hand she could move to her face and ripped that off. The room was spinning, she couldn't concentrate on anything.

"JJ? JJ, listen to my voice. It's us, Emily and Will. Do you recognize us?" What? It couldn't be. She blinked rapidly, trying to clear her vision. She was now aware that she was sitting on a bed in a white room, but couldn't identify anything else. She looked up and, finally focusing, she saw the concerned faces of her friend and husband. No, it wasn't true. She shook her head in disbelief, trying to fight off those hallucinations.

"JJ please, look at us. It's not a trick. We are here, you are safe. No one's going to hurt you." She glanced up again and noticed they were still there, coming more and more into focus. She couldn't believe it.

"Em... Emily, Will... Is this r-real?" Her voice was hoarse, her throat felt like sandpaper and trying to utter those few words had proven to be extremely hard. When JJ heard their positive answer tears started burning behind her eyes. She wasn't dreaming. She was really out of that basement. Still, she needed more informations so she mustered her strenght and spoke again.

"What...what happened? Where am I?" A voice coming from her left startled her. With her eye shut like that, her peripheral vision on that side was gone and she had to fully turn her head to see who was talking to her. She found herself face to face with a tall, red-haired woman in her 40's.

"You are in hospital, Agent Jareau. I'm Doctor Hannah Hayes, I'm the one who treated you. You were rushed here and sustained surgery, due to your severe injuries." JJ was trying to process the news. She couldn't remember anything about the trip to the hospital or the operation.

"What time... How long was I...?

"Don't worry Agent Jareau. Your operation was successful and you remained unconscious only for a few hours, even less than what I predicted. You really are a fighter. Also, I'm happy to say that your parameters seem stable. I have no doubt that you will make a full recover." The doctor reassured her and smile to her. JJ didn't. Too many thoughts were running through her head. She was shaking and was in pain and although she was now convinced that what they were saying was true, her mind was taking her back to that hellish cellar, where she and Matt...

"Matt!" She screamed. "Where is he? Is he alive? I need to now how..."

"Hey JJ, JJ. Calm down. Look at me." Emily interrupted her agitated friend. "He is ok. He was even before you two arrived to the hospital. He is out of danger. Don't think about it now." Emily smiled supportively and was happy to see the blonde relax a little. As the adrenaline wore out, JJ suddenly felt dizzy and tired, like she hadn't slept in ages. Noticing this Will stepped in.

"Why don't you lie down, honey? You really need to rest. Don't worry, we're all gonna be here. I'm not going to leave you anymore." Will came near her to help her lie down on the bed but, as soon as he touched her she violently flinched. Silence fell in the room. Emily hadn't been fast enough to stop him and now was watching with a broken heart as Will slowly pulled back his hand in shock.

JJ looked at her husband and seeing the hurt expression he was sporting, she felt her eye start to water. How could she? She knew her husband would never hurt her, that he was only trying to help her, but she had reacted istinctively and that simple touch had scared her out of her mind.

"I'm sorry, Will. I'm so sorry. I don't know what..." She was sobbing now. She had hurt the man she loved most and she was feeling horrible about it. She couldn't face him.

"Hey. Look at me." Will said seriously and JJ timidely looked up. "You have nothing to apologize for. I shouldn't have done that. You have no fault and it's fine. I love you. Do you understand?" She nodded, not believing how blessed she was to be loved by this wonderful man. On the other hand, all Will wanted to do now was to hold his wife and kiss her and never let go, but he knew he couldn't do it, so he straightened up and smiled at her, trying to convey all his love with that simple gesture.

"Alright, I'm sorry but now I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Agent Jareau needs to rest and to be updated on her conditions. She has already been subjected to too much stress. You can see her later with the others." Dr Hayes interrupted them and moved to lead them out. Before going out Will wanted to reassure her.

"Get some rest honey. We're gonna be right outside. I'll come back soon and I'll bring with me your little man. He's been asking a lot about you." The thought of seeing Henry made her brighten up. She needed him close to her. The idea that she had almost lost him because of those men... Suddenly a thought ran through her mind and she stopped them.

"Wait! What happened to them? To Askari and Hastings?" JJ saw their faces cloud over. She waited for an answer until Emily spoke.

"We got all their men. I took down Askari in the shooting but Hastings... he, uhm..."

"What?" She didn't want to know. She dreaded the answer with all her heart, because she knew it would have only confirmed her fears. Still she pressed Emily until she heard her whisper.

"...He got away."

She couldn't breath. Her throat was constricted and air couldn't reach her lungs. She started shaking and hyperventilating. Sheer panic passed through her. That man. That monster who had kidnapped her, tortured her and raped her, had managed to escape. Nothing would happen to him for what he had done, he wouldn't pay for his actions. Flashes of the horrors he had forced her to endure started running before her eyes and she suddenly felt nauseous. The doctor saw her heaving and, realizing what was about to happen, rapidly put a bowl in front of her, just before she actually started throwing up bile and water. There was nothing else in her stomach, but her retching went on for a while. When she recovered, she was completely numb. Blood was ringing in her ears, muffling the voice of the doctor telling Emily and Will to get out and the one of the brunette telling her she was sorry. Pale, hair matted with sweat, she collapsed on the bed, exhausted. The doctor was now calling her but she couldn't answer. She couldn't do anything. Staring blankly at the ceiling she felt all the burden of the recent event weigh her down. It was really too much and finally, all strenght lost, she gave in and started crying.


	6. Chapter 6

******Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds**

As the doctor pushed them out of the room, Emily could distinctly hear JJ's sobbings and it was killing her to know it was all her fault. It didn't matter how many times she apologized, or how sorry she was. She had failed her best friend. She hadn't stopped Hastings. She had let him get away and now he was walking free. Seeing the horrifed look on JJ's face made her want to find that asshole and rip his balls off with a pair of pliers. God, how could she ever forgive herself for letting him escape? They should have been there sooner, before he had the chance to get away, before... everything. Her sad considerations were interrupted when Garcia basically jumped on her and started pounding her with questions.

"What is it? Is she awake? Was it her that was screaming? Why was she screaming? Can we go in? They have to let us go in, I swear that if that doctor doesn't let us see JJ I'm gonna take my laptop, hack into her network and..."

"Baby girl, let her breathe." Morgan interrupted her. He was as anxious and eager to know as she was but he also knew that freaking out would have done no good. Emily gave him a thankful look and then she addressed the entire team. My, how tired she was of playing the part of the mediator and to always be the bearer of bad news. Keeping giving informations that everytime broke the hearts of the people she loved was really wearing her out. Nonetheless, she had to keep doing that, she couldn't give up just because she was tired. At least knowing that JJ was awake would have brought them some comfort. So, once again, she took a deep breath and started speaking.

"Yes. JJ is awake. Dr Hayes said she is fine and her parameters are stable. However when she woke up, she panicked, that's why she was screaming. She didn't recognize us in the beginning and it took us a while to calm her down. I belive... I believe she was convinced she was still in that basement." She kept seeing the terrified face of her friend, her feral look, like she was ready to try and kill anyone who dared to come near her. "After some time we managed to appease her but at a certain point she started asking... she asked about Hastings and, well... you can imagine her reaction." Emily lowered her gaze. She knew all the members of the team were feeling the same sense of failure but she couldn't face them. Looking in their eyes, she would have seen that same expression of sorrow and guilt that she knew was on her face too and she couldn't handle it right now.

After that, it took everybody some time before they could start speaking again.

"Ok, well... But she is ok now right? I mean, the doctor said she is fine so it cannot be that bad. It was only the initial shock. When she sees us she's gonna feel immediatly better. Yes, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna talk to the doctor and..." Emily quickly stopped Garcia, who was ready to dash into the room.

"I think it's better if we all wait. We can't go in right now. JJ is still pretty shaken up and she needs to rest. Also Doctor Hayes said that having this many people around her so soon would only cause her more stress." She had to do this. She was protecting not only JJ, but also the team. She knew how broken the hearts of Garcia or Reid would have been seeing their frightened friend shy away from their touch.

"But, but... This doesn't make any sense. How could we stress her? We only want to comfort her. We're her family, we just want to be there for her."

Oh Reid... With his three PhDs, his eidetic memory, and his IQ of 187, he still managed to be so innocent and naive sometimes. Emily's attention was drawn by the man fallen on a chair not far from them, with his arms resting on his knees, who was staring intensely at his shaking right hand. The man that, unlike what she was doing now with the others, she hadn't been able to protect.

"I wish that could be helpful." She muttered to a confused Reid, then turned and joined Will, sitting in silence next to him. His gaze was fixed on his now closed fist, which he was clenching so hard that the fingernails were actually leaving marks on his palm.

"Did you see how she reacted? How she recoiled from my touch? She's afraid of me, Emily." Will whispered. He kept seeing in his head what had happened over and over. The scared look on her face when he had approached her was stuck in his mind. What kind of trauma could make a wife so scared of her husband? What kind of hell had she endured? "She genuinely feared that I would harm her. They made her suffer so much that now she's frightened to death by anyone touching her, even me. How can I do it? How can I help her overcome this if I can't even be near her?" Emily listened to him with sympathy, triying to think of something to say that would comfort him.

"She's not afraid of you, Will. JJ knows you would never hurt her. It was just shock. The things she had to go through... no one should ever experience something like that. You have to give her time to deal with all of this and be there for her when she needs your help, because she is going to need it. You do the best that you can, the rest... it's not on you. That's all you can do. That's all we can do." Emily patted on his closed fist until she felt it loosen and saw Will slowly relax. He took a deep breath, rested his head against the wall and looked at the ceiling.

"So, now what?"

"Now we wait."

They sat there in silence, for how long Emily didn't know, taking comfort in each other's presence. As time went by, Emily could feel her eyelids growing more and more heavy as sleep was finally making itself heard. Slowly losing the fight against closing her eyes, Emily began to drift off, until a voice woke her up.

"Prentiss?" Hotch was standing before her, motioning to her to come near him. She rubbed her eyes to regain a bit of mental alertness, impared through lack of sleep. She turned and saw that Will hadn't moved. With his head against the wall and his eyes shut, she wasn't sure if he was resting, sleeping or was simply passed out from exhausion. Noticing Will hadn't reacted to Hotch calling her, she decided that he had fallen asleep, so she got up and approached Hotch.

"Yes, what's up? Any news?" He shook his head.

"Not really. The doctor just said that JJ is now asleep and that she's gonna stay like this for hours. It's for her own good, so that she can avoid any kind of additional distress in these first moments. Hayes said she should feel better once she wakes up." She nodded, glad to know that JJ was finally resting.

"That is not what I came here to tell you, though." Her face took on a confused expression after his ambiguous words. She looked at him interrogatively until she noticed. Behind that serious look, that cold expression apparently inscrutable but that she could read so easily, she was able to identify his real emotion. It was concern. That's when she understood.

"No. Don't, Hotch... Don't you even try to..."

"We are worried, Emily. I'm worried." He quickly cut off her objections. "You can't take much more of this. You're exhausted, barely awake. If you go on like this you're going to break. Go get some rest, there is nothing you can do here right now." He knew she would fight, that she would try to convince him that she was fine, but he knew her, and he knew he had to do this, even if it meant that she would unleash her rage on him.

"Do you seriously realize what you are asking me?" Emily told him shocked. "You cannot ask me to leave JJ alone and expect me to simply comply. I'm ok Hotch." Just as he had predicted.

"No. I knew nothing about this would be simple but still, I can see that you're far from ok and you cannot help anyone in your conditions. JJ is not alone and also she's not going to wake up in a while so there is no emergency that requires you to stay here. Go home, get some sleep and..."

"I don't know, maybe you forgot this, but I'd like to remind you that I don't have a home. I flew across the world to help you save the same woman from whom you want to separate me. You can't make me do it, you're not my boss anymore." Hotch simply let her give vent to her anger, then he took a bunch of keys from his pocket and handed it to Emily, whose expression had just passed from enraged to confused.

"Garcia offered you her place to crash. I would have told you to go to mine, but Jack is there with his babysitter and it would be hard to explain everything. And don't try and protest about clothes, I'm pretty sure you didn't leave London without a bag with a change, am I right?" She looked sulkily at him and muttered a 'yes'. Still, she tried to resist and make him change his mind.

"But why am I the only one that has to leave? The others have been here for as long as I have and yet I'm the only one you are driving away. I told you, I'm fine! I can handle..."

"You still have her blood on you, Emily." That silenced her. She stared at him wanting to object to what he had just said, but she couldn't think of anything. On the contrary, she was now feeling very self-conscious about her appearance and she was suddenly very aware of every place on her body where the blood had caused her clothes to stick on the skin. Not finding anything to say she simply glanced down at her feet.

"Hey." He called her to make her look up. "I'm not telling you to go because I think you can't handle this. I know you can, it's just that you don't have to. Since you arrived you have been a rock for everyone. You have been an anchor to the team, to Will and to JJ. You let everybody rely on you, without taking a single moment for yourself, ad that is respectable, honorable, but you don't have to do this. You are not forced to deal with all of this by yourself. The others didn't go through what you did, me included, and still you think you have to be strong for us and you can't allow yoursef to let go. You can stop, Emily. I'm not telling you this as your former boss, I'm telling you as a friend. You held up so far, let me help you now. Let me bear this burden for you."

Emily had a lump in her throat. She wanted to stay, to resist, but now that someone was offering her support, the idea of letting go seemed so tempting. Nevertheless, she was still reluctant to leave. To her, it felt like a betrayal.

"What about Henry and Will? I can't just disappear like this without..."

"I'm gonna take care of everything and everyone. Trust me, Emily." He interrupted her. She glanced back at the sleeping man and at the closed door behind which her best friend was resting and started thinking about everything that could go wrong while she was away. In the end she forced herself to stop worrying, focusing on the fact that Hotch was completely trustworthy and that he could handle things while she was gone. Resigned, she tightened her hold on the keys in her hand and looked at Hotch straight in the eyes.

"Just for a few hours. Promise me you'll call me immediatly if there is any news."

"I promise. I'll call you and when you see JJ again you'll be at your best and more ready to help her." Emily nodded. Yes, it was probably for the best. She took a deep breath.

"Ok, then." She was ready to move when she stopped to face him one again.

"Thanks, Hotch." She murmured.

"You don't have to say it." He simply replied but she shook her head. "Yes, I do."

They stared at each other for a moment and then, no other words between them, Emily turned and walked away. She didn't stop this time, she didn't look behind because she knew that if she did, she wouldn't be able to walk away anymore. She moved on, trying not to think that by leaving this hospital she was leaving her friends, she was leaving Will, she was leaving JJ. The last thought made her speed up her pace.

She was leaving JJ.

* * *

JJ had stopped crying. She was completely numb, laying on the bed without the strenght of doing anything else.

After doctor Hayes had thrown Emily and Will out of the room the implications of what Emily had told her had hit her like a train. She had endured so much, suffered so much, lost so much and it had all been for nothing. Hastings was gone. The man who had taken everything from her had managed to get away with it. The thought that she had at least achieved a small victory by ruining his plans was of no comfort at all, it didn't matter. Because she was here broken and he was out there free. And thinking about it had crushed her heart and reduced her in tears. The doctor, on the other hand, had realized that all she could do was let the woman in front of her cry her heart out and wait for her to calm down. There's no way she could sedate her in this condition: she would have been only more upset once she woke up. Therefore doctor Hayes had patiently waited for her sobbings to die down until she had stopped weeping. Now the FBI agent was quiet, slightly shaking and there was a distant look in her eyes, like she was thinking about something so horrible to paralyze her or she was in shock and her mind had just went blank. Staring at the woman, Hayes felt her heart fill with sorrow. She had been doing this job for a long time and was able to remain detached to work better and still, she couldn't help but be impressed and disturbed by the cruelty and suffering someone could inflict on another human being. It didn't matter how upset she was, though. She had a job to do now. She slowly circled the bed until she reached the right side, where she knew the agent could see her, and quietly she started trying to draw her attention.

"Agent Jareau? Agent Jareau, do you hear me?" JJ had registered that the doctor was calling her, but she was finding it really hard to reply. It was like everything was in slowmotion. The initial terror was gone, replaced by a feeling of emptiness and defeat so unbearable. Her brain wasn't doing anything except replay Emily's last few words.

"_He got away... He got away... He got away..._" Over and over again, like a mantra.

She was in trance. It felt like her mind was stuck in her body but at the same time detached from it. Also, she was having conflicting feelings. Her senses were together both lowered and heightened. She could feel every single bead of sweat that was sliding down her neck and she could feel her body involuntary twitch in response to shock and pain but, at the same time, all this felt distant, like it wasn't happening to her, and the voice of the doctor appeared miles away. It took Hayes six or seven times of her calling her name for JJ to actually acknowledge her presence. She blinked more than once to try and focus and finally, shaking herself out of that numbness, she turned and addressed the doctor.

"Uh... y-yeah, I can hear you." It was more a whisper than a real answer but Hayes was still happy to see that she was responsive. However, she had to be sure about her mental alertness. She took a flashlight and pointed it to the agent's eye, glad to see the pupil contract.

"That's good. Now can you tell me your full name, please?"

"Jennifer Jareau."

"The name of your husband?"

"Will...uh, sorry. William LaMontagne Jr."

"Current month and year?"

"February, 2014."

"Can you tell me how many fingers you see?" JJ looked at the doctor who had raised her hand, closing only the thumb.

"Four." Hayes smiled. She had now confirmation that there was at least one thing they didn't have to worry about.

"Very good agent Jareau. I can safely affirm that there is no brain damage. That is extremely positive." She was hoping that the news could provide comfort to her patient, but she had no reaction. The information seemed to be of no importance to her. Getting no response, the doctor moved on, knowing the hardest part was yet to come.

"Alright agent, now that we don't have to think about that, there are still two things to do. I have to check... your physical status and then you have to sleep and rest." She spoke slowly, letting the words sink in. When JJ fully realized what the doctor was saying she drew a breath between clenched teeth and started shaking her head. She didn't want to be touched at all and even more she didn't want to fall asleep. She was afraid of what she would see.

"No, I... uh... I really don't..." Her shaking was increasing and she was struggling to speak. Doctor Hayes knew this would happen and interrupted her efforts.

"Agent Jareau, please calm down. I know you don't want to do this, but it is for your own good. You suffered a horrendous trauma and your mind is still trying to process it, stressing itself in the attempt. I don't have the presumption to say that I know what you are going through, I can't imagine, but I'm very good at my job, and my job is to help people like you, to identify the needs of their body and mind, so trust me when I tell you that you need this. You need to sleep. If you don't, you will feel only worse later."

A part of JJ knew the doctor was right. She was actually really exhausted and her head was throbbing unrelentingly, but her fear was stopping her. Noticing the uncertainty in her patient's eyes, Hayes tried to meet her halfway.

"I have to be adamant about you resting, I'm sorry, but if you prefer, I can perform your check-up later, once you wake up." JJ carefully considered the proposal but in the end she decided to reject it. There was no way she could avoid this, she might as well do this now, get over with it, so she wouldn't have to think about it later. So she swallowed, took deep, long breaths to try and calm her nerves and answered to the doctor.

"No, it's ok. Let's... let's do this now." Hayes nodded, happy with her decision. She couldn't help but admire the woman's courage.

"Fine, then. Let's do this." She slowly moved over to the left side of the bed and once there she stopped and reassured the blonde, who was now shifting uncomfortably in the bed.

"Try to relax, agent. Remember you are safe. I'm gonna be as quick as possible and I'll keep the physical contact minimal, alright? You tell me when you're in pain or uncomfortable and I stop. I'm gonna start with your eye and cheekbone. Are you ready?" She waited for the agent to give her permission, to show her she was in control, that no one would force her to do anything. JJ muttered a 'yes'. She was extremely nervous. From this angle she couldn't see what the doctor was doing and it was starting to make her upset. When she felt a hand on her face she stiffened in tension, but the touch was gone moments later. Hayes had been extremely fast.

"Here nothing to worry about. The swelling and the fracture will heal with time and the cut is well sutured, it's not even going to scar." That relieved her. She remembered how hard Askari had hit her and when Hastings had kicked her in the face she had thought she would go blind in that eye. At least that wouldn't be a problem. JJ now needed to analyze everything in a very mechanical way, evaluating pros and cons. By doing this, she could manage to suppress at least a part of her anxiety. Now that the doctor was done with her face, she could turn and actually see what she was doing. Another pro.

"Moving on, your left shoulder was dislocated. We treated it and immobilized it. It's normal if you feel some sort of discomfort. How are you feeling it?"

"If I don't move too much it is tolerable." JJ thought to the stabbing pain she had felt while she was fidgeting in panic before. Fortunately now it was just an ache, intense but acceptable. Hayes nodded and took note of what she had said.

"Ok, good. Now I have to check your burns and stab wound. I'm gonna need you to lift your gown. If you manage, you can do it by yourself, otherwise I can help you. What do you prefer?" JJ looked at the doctor, for a moment feeling panic rising again. She immediatly replied that she could do it. She knew that Dr Hayes was just doing her job but she couldn't bear the thought of someone undressing her. She shifted and used her right hand to raise the gown and tuck it under the left arm, biting her lower lip in pain when she moved her injured shoulder. First the doctor lifted the bandage that was covering her wound. Veryfied it was fine, she covered it once again and started inspecting her burns. They were exstensive and were spreading from below her breast to her lower ribs.

"Mmm, ok. I have to put some more gel on these." Dr Hayes moved and came back few seconds later with a stick of ointment to apply on her injuries. JJ was looking up, repelled by the sight of her torso, but when she felt the massaging motions on her side, she immediatly stuck her eyes on what the doctor was doing. She had to focus on that, she had to see what was happening so she could be sure that those hands were performing a medical procedure, that they weren't caressing her sickeningly. When the doctor finished, she released a breath she didn't know she was holding and she lowered her gown.

"Every injury seems fine. Sure, healing is a long process, but this is a good start. Do you have any local pain?"

"My throat is really dry and my ribs hurt when I breathe." JJ rapidly told the doctor, wanting to end this quicly.

"It's normal. Your ribs are broken. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it at the moment. We already gave you painkillers and it's better not to overdo your doses. They will get better soon. Here, let me give you some water." She came back with a glass of water that JJ quickly emptied. The feeling of fresh water running down her throat was a bliss. For the first time a small but genuine smile appeared on her face.

"Are we done, right?" JJ looked at the doctor, glad that the examination was over, but confusion filled her when she saw Dr Hayes hesitate. "What? What else is it?" She asked.

"Agent Jareau, I still have to finish to check you up. To do so, I have to examine... all of your injuries." That brief moment of serenity was completely gone. JJ knew what she was talking about, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't be examined like that, it would remind her too much of... No no no, she couldn't. If being touched by the doctor before had already been hard , this would have been unbearable. She looked at Hayes with pleading eyes.

"Please don't. I don't think I can do this." JJ was ashamed of herself. She had always tought she was an indipendent, strong woman, capable of facing every problem, and here she was, begging like a child.

"I'm sorry agent, I have to do this. I have to check your stitches." The realization that Hastings had been so brutal with her that she had required sutures was making her feel nauseous again. Also, knowing that someone had already inspected her, treated her while she was sleeping, while she had no control over what was being done to her, felt like another violation. "I'll be really quick. I just have to make an examination, nothing more. You won't even notice it."

"Oh yes, I will" JJ thought. However, knowing she couldn't fight this, she complied. Following the doctor's instructions, she 'relaxed' on the bed and spread her legs. While the doctor was working she kept her eyes on the ceiling the entire time, wishing with all her heart that she could leave her body and disappear. She was struggling really hard not to lose contact with reality: every touch, even the softest, was bringing her back inside the basement, back to the torture, to the taunting, to the humiliation, to the excruciating pain between her legs, that she was having difficulty to separate from the throbbing she was feeling now. Through all the examination the doctor could hear her whisper to herself "You're safe..." over and over. When she finished JJ didn't move. She was shaking and silent tears were running down her face.

"We're done Agent Jareau, for good this time." The doctor got no response, but she knew her patient was listening, so she continued. "We had previously treated you for STDs and HIV, but we needed your permission to treat a possible pregnancy. Do you want to proceed?" JJ nodded once and took the morning after pill Hayes gave her.

_"I can make you another one..." _She would have killed herself if that would have happened.

"You can rest, now. We have finished." She was drained, physically and emotionally. The idea of sleeping would have been really tempting, if it weren't for what she knew she would have seen.

"Dr Hayes?" JJ timidely called. "I want to rest, but I'm... I'm afraid of what..." The doctor looked at her with sympathy, understanding her fears.

"If you want, I can give you a mild tranquillizer, not as strong as a sedative, but it should help you relax." JJ thanked her and, as the drug was inserted into her IV she waited for it to have an effect. It didn't take long. Exhaustion hit her harder than ever. She started feeling more sleepy and her lids began to close.

"Once you wake up you will feel better. Try to think about good things. You have an amazing family that loves you very deeply. Focus on that. No one is going to hurt you. You are safe now Jennifer. You're safe." After that JJ didn't hear anything else. The doctor's words blended together and became very confused. In her last moments of consciousness she tried to dismiss her anguish, her fear, her pain and she concentrated only on one thing, wishing with all herself that it was true.

"You're safe..." With that thought in her mind, darkness surrounded her and she fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

******Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds**

As soon as Emily walked through the doors of the hospital, she was astonished to find a clear sky and the morning light. For a moment she gawked confused at the sun, then she quickly looked at her watch, only to find it not working. It was covered with blood, which probably had seeped through the case, blocking the great wheel. She grumbled loudly and stopped the first person she came across with, asking what time it was.

"It's 8.40, ma'am."

Emily couldn't believe it. It had been more than 5 hours since when she had gotten JJ out of that basement. So many things had happened, she had had so much to take care of, so much to worry about, that she had completely lost track of time. That night that had seemed endless to her was actually gone in a blink. She mumbled a 'thanks' to the stranger and walked to the FBI car that had brought her there, still parked on the left side of the building. Once there, she stopped for a second, rethinking about her decision to leave the hospital. Could she really do it? Could she leave JJ like that just because she was tired? Could the others handle the situation?

"_I'm gonna take care of everything and everyone. Trust me, Emily._" Yes, she trusted him. Hotch would handle things perfectly until her return. She had to stop thinking about it.

Her dilemma solved, she got in the car, started the engine and sped away to Garcia's place, not wanting to lose more time. Almost two years had passed, but she still remembered where it was, like it was yesterday. She could have hardly forgotten all the fun times and girl's nights spent there in the past. So many good memories. She got lost down memory lane, driving automatically, until she realized she had arrived to destination. There, she stepped out of the car and took the bag she had previously left in the trunk. Walking to the entrance of her friend's house, Emily casually started looking around and suddenly felt a growing envy fill her. People around her were completely oblivious. To them, this was a perfectly ordinary morning. Kids were running to their school bus, aults were going to work, like every other day. No terrible event had shaken their lives, everything was normal. And Emily was jealous.

Her thinking stopped when she heard a buzzing coming from her bag: she searched and finally found her phone. "Crap." she thought. " 23 missed calls, all from one person, the same person who was calling her right now. She answered the call while entering the apartment.

"Hi, Clyde..." Clyde Easter, her old friend from Interpol, the man who had managed to make her the first on the list when the job in London had become available. The man whom she owed her position at Interpol. Oh man, she wasn't ready for this.

"Prentiss, where the hell are you? I've been trying to contact you for God knows how long. Can you tell me why I woke up this morning to the news that the chief of the London office had disappeared with a jet, after having ordered everyone to stop their work and find her informations about this Askari person, without giving a single explanation? What on earth are you doing in Washington?" Emily knew this was coming. After all, she had dropped everything without saying why she was leaving or where she was going. He had the right to be upset and she was aware it was only a matter of time before this conversation would take place. Still, she wished she hadn't answered this call, that she had missed this one too, so that she could delay all of this, because truthfully she was to exhausted to deal with him right now.

"Yeah... Sorry Easter, I should have informed you but it was an emergency. I couldn't waste another minute." Noticing she wasn't clarifying, he pressed her.

"...Care to explain?" She sighed, realizing she wouldn't get out of this so easily. She really couldn't get a break.

"Agent Hotchner, from the BAU, whom I used to work for, called me because they needed my help to find one of their own, who had gone missing. The State Department wasn't doing anything to rescue her so I had to step in. My section had the information necessary to her retrieval."

"Ok, I get that. Still I don't understand why you had to fly all the way to Washington when you could have simply sent them what they needed. We always deal with similar situation like this. If our support is asked for, we cooperate, of course, but why couldn't you do it from London? Why did you have to leave an entire office and..."

"Agent Jareau is the one who was missing." Emily cut him off. When she uttered that name Easter went quiet for a moment and Emily was sure she could almost hear his brain cells working frantically to understand the full meaning of what she had just said.

"Jareau, Jareau... Is this the same agent who handled the Doyle case and your secret relocation back in 2011?" He was starting to put the pieces together. This wasn't an ordinary situation, not at all.

"Yes, it's her."

"This is the reason for your behaviour, right? This was personal, wasn't it?" Emily didn't answer his question. She was aware he fully knew he had hit the mark.

"Look, Clyde... I know that I screwed up, that I ran away and that I should have informed you about what I was doing, but there was no time. She was being tortured for Christ's sake. I had to help her, like she had done for me three years ago. She is one of the few people I truly trust and care about, I couldn't leave her to die." Emily was so tired of talking, so tired of explaining something so elementary to her. Her best friend needed her? She would run, no questions asked. It was so simple and yet so complicated, because she had acted impulsively, without thinking about the repercussions.

"Emily, I'm sorry that your friend got hurt, truly I am, and I understand that you wanted to help her, but your behaviour was absolutely unprofessional. You have to understand that." She understood, she agreed with everything he was saying, but she didn't want to deal with this right now. She just wanted to end this call.

"Anyway, you are there, we can't change that so... What is your plan now?"

"I have to go back to the hospital in a few hours. I have to be there when she wakes up. Actually, I should leave you right now." She heard him sigh on the other end of the phone and she knew that for now he would let it go.

"Mmm... Alright Prentiss. Do what you have to do, but I want you to call me as soon as you can. And this is an order. You're in a messed up situation, lady."

"Thank you, Easter." She smiled, knowing that she was safe for now. He mumbled something like 'yeah, yeah...' and then he hung up. Emily put down the phone and closed her eyes, standing still in the middle of the apartment. Great, she tought. Like she hadn't enough to worry about already, now she also had to be concerned about her job. She stayed like that for a few moments, relishing in the peace and quiet surrounding her. After a while she opened her eyes, conscious of the fact that she had to move, otherwise she would fall asleep upright. She walked into the bathroom and let the water run in the shower, waiting for it to heat up while she removed her clothes. For a split second her eyes met her reflection in the mirror and she froze.

She looked like a ghost. Her hair was matted with sweat, her eyes were red, with dark circles around them and there was blood everywhere on her body. In trance, she finished removing her sticky clothes and stepped into the shower under the hot spray, with a blank look on her face. In her numb state, she started flashing back to all the circumstances that had caused her to look like that and she felt an impressive amount of anger grow inside her. She started panting and clenching her jaw, trying once again to keep her feelings at bay, but that was it. All her walls crumbled, all the emotions she had previously bottled up hit her full force and Emily Prentiss lost it. She started screaming and cursing and punching the wall in frenzy. She didn't have control anymore. She was freaking out because her friends were suffering, JJ was suffering, she herself was suffering, and she was tired of all this pain, she couldn't take it anymore. Her fit of anger went on for a while: slowly her screaming turned into an angry sobbing and that into a quiet whimpering until, under the healty action of the hot jet of water, she finally calmed down. She stood still leaning on the wall, letting the water wash away all the dirt, sweat and blood. She fully cleaned herself and, her mind and body cleared, she closed the water and stepped out of the shower.

She dried herself off with a towel, leaving the hair damp, and put on some clean clothes staying barefoot. That shower had had a really sleep-inducing effect and she was having problems even to stand. Therefore she headed towards the couch in the middle of the living room: she didn't want to rest on the bed fearing that she would fall in a too-deep sleep and she wouldn't be able to wake up. She put her phone next to her on the ground and finally lied down.

"Just an hour." She thought closing her eyes. "No more."

Riiing... Riiing... Riiing... Emily's eyes shot open. What the hell? She had just lied down. Why couldn't they leave her alone? Reluctantly she took her phone and answered.

"Yeah?"

"Prentiss? It's Hotch. The doctor said JJ is about to wake up." What? How could it be? Confused she looked at the screen of her cell and was stunned to see the clock mark 5.20. She hadn't fallen asleep, she had passed out the second she had put her head on the pillow.

"Prentiss? Are you there?" Hotch's voice shook her out of her state of shock.

"Uh... Yeah, yeah... I'm here. Coming as fast as possible." She hung up, and jumped off the couch. Crap! JJ was waking up and she was still here. She had to hurry up. Emily quickly put on her boots, took her phone and jacket and stormed out of the apartment, running to the car. Once she got there she didn't waste another second and sped away to the hospital. She drove faster than ever, a single thought in her mind.

"I have to see her."

* * *

"Daddy? Daddy?" Will opened his eyes. Henry was on top of him shaking his arm. He rubbed his eyes, coming out of his sleepy state. He had no idea what time it was. It was all a blur. The last thing he remembered clearly was Hotchner calling him to tell him that he had sent Emily to rest and advicing him to do the same. His wife's boss had then pointed him to a room and told him he and Henry could stay there for some time. Everything else was confused. Judging from his actual position he had probably collapsed on this hospital couch with his kid sleeping in his arms.

"Wake, up daddy! You're hugging me too tight!" Will let go of him and got up to a sitting position, moving his son next to him.

"Sorry, buddy. Have you been awake for long?" Henry shook his head.

"No. You woke me up because you were talking. You were calling mommy. Were you dreaming about her?" Will looked at his son with nothing to reply. He couldn't remember. It was probably true. She had been the only thing on his mind in these terrible hours. It was normal that he would dream about her.

Noticing his father was lost in his thoughts and wasn't answering, Henry questioned him about the thing he was most interested in.

"When can I see momma?" Once again Will felt a lump growing in his throat. God, he wished he could answer him, that he could reassure him about his mother, whom he hadn't seen in basically two days. He knew they were over the hump, that JJ was ok now, but in what state would she be once awake? He had no idea what they would find. He put his hands on his son's shoulders and stared at him straight in the eyes, so he would understand the seriousness of what he was about to say.

"I don't know, Henry. It shouldn't be long. You see, your momma was very tired and the doctor put her to sleep so she would feel better later. She's probably gonna wake up soon and you're gonna see her again. Listen to me very carefully now, little man. I need you to understand this, ok? You remember I told you that the bad guys had hurt your mother, right? The doctor is healing her but she is not completely ok yet. Do you remember when you fell while playing soccer and you had that injury on your knee? Well, mommy is hurt like that only more seriously. She's in pain buddy, and she could be scared. I bet you can recall how scared you were because you were hurt and how gentle and caring mom was with you. That's what you have to do. When they call us and they let us see her, you have to be like that. You have to be gentle with her. I know she is your hero and she is brave and invincible, but sometimes even heroes gets hurt and need help and someone to be brave for them. Now is the time you have to be brave for mommy. Can you do that, Henry?" His son listened to what he said, taking in every word and probably for the first time, understanding how serious the situation really was. Will saw tears forming in the kid's eyes but he bravely pushed them back and nodded fervently. Will kissed him on the head and then drew him closer, hugging him tight.

"It's gonna be ok." He whispered.

Meanwhile, outside the room, the team was impatiently waiting for news. They had all rested a bit, taking turns to be sure that someone was always on alert. They were all awake now, less exhausted than before and the nervousness too high to try to sleep more. The feeling of helplessness, of not being able to do anything, was only making it worse. The youngest member of the unit was sitting by himself, gazing at nothing and scratching his palm. He was really having troubles controlling it now.

"Why do you do it?" Reid turned and found Blake sitting next to him. He was so lost he hadn't even noticed it. "Usually a tick like yours can be observed with former addicts, and is linked to some sort of craving. I don't want to pry, but is this connected to that old case you told me about? Hankel?" He looked up for a second, mouth open, and then he lowered his gaze. He was both annoyed and amazed by how easily she had read him. After a few moments of silence, he decided to explain it to her.

"You remember I told you what he had done to me? That he had... tortured me and drugged me? After I was rescued, I was a wreck and the only thing that was helping was taking Dilaudid. It took me a while to realize I was becoming an addict and to understand how much it was hurting me. It got better with time, but when I'm extremely upset I still feel the need." His feet had become suddenly really interesting and he was keeping his eyes fixed on them. "Now, with JJ like that... if I was so devastated after... I mean how can she...? What I'm trying to say is that it's destroying me seeing her like this and now more than ever I'm having cravings and I'm worried about me and her." Blake just took his hand between hers, interrupting him and said something very simple yet reassuring to him.

"She's strong. You are strong. We're all here." He nodded and was about to reply when out of the corner of his eye he saw doctor Hayes approach. He jumped up immediatly and called the others. Dr Hayes was suddenly surrounded by the unit and gestured them to calm down.

"Alright. Based on my predictions agent Jareau should wake up really soon. I'm going in to check on her. You can enter only once I call you. Please, remember that she is still very weak and that you must not tire her excessively. Is everything clear? Well, wait for my call." She made sure they had all absorbed the concept and then she entered the room of her patient, closing the door behind her. The woman was still sleeping but the tranquilizer was ending its effect and she knew it was only a matter of time before she would be awake. And, indeed, it took only a few more minutes for her to start opening her eyes.

"Agent Jareau? Can you hear me? It's doctor Hayes." JJ was coming out of her unconscious state and everything was still very unclear. However, she wasn't terrified by this like she had been before. She was sleepy and groggy but strangely she felt comfy. She realized the doctor was talking to her and she turned to face her, eye still half-closed.

"How are you feeling, Agent?" Dr Hayes was smiling at her.

"I feel... better, even if this isn't probably the right word. More relaxed." The doctor nodded happy to see the improvement.

"See? What did I tell you? I'm glad to hear that. If you tell me that you are feeling like this, then I have some good news. Your family is outside, waiting to see you." When she said that Hayes noticed a strange look in her patient's eyes. She couldn't quite place it.

"If you don't want to, or you feel too tired I can tell them to wait. It's not a problem. You're not doing anything you're not comfortable with." JJ shook her head. It wasn't that. She wanted to see them, with all her heart. They had been the ones helping her get through all of that. It's just that she was afraid. Afraid to look so weak to them, so damaged. Most of all she was afraid to see their faces. She feared that she would look at them only to see pity in their eyes, to see the same look they had often given during work to victims. She was afraid to feel like a victim.

She decided the only way to avoid it was to show herself as strong and healty as possible, so she straightened up in the bed and told the doctor she agreed.

"You don't have to. I don't want you to wear yourself out. Are you absolutely sure?"

"Positive." JJ simply answered. Dr Hayes looked at her a bit concerned but then said 'ok' and went to the entrance of the room. JJ could hear her mutter something to the people standing on the other side of the door, but she couldn't make out what. It lost importance, though, because moments later that group of people she loved so much stormed in the room and went near her bed. Seeing the faces of her family she felt a wonderful warmth fill her heart. Her mouth curled up into a bit of a smile.

"Hi, guys..." She uttered. She heard a small sob and saw Garcia's eyes were shiny with unshed tears.

"Oh, come on Penelope. Like you told me in the past... No tears." The computer analyst nodded and tried to smile back at her hurt friend.

"How are you feelin'?" Morgan asked.

"I'm... fine. Better. Resting helped." She wished her voice would have been more steady. It would be really hard to fool an entire group of profilers. She had to be as strong as possible. Or at least appear strong. She saw Reid coming closer to her, but then stopping, thinking about what he could say to help her. Also, he was having serious trouble looking at her without feeling the urge to start crying like a baby. It was all his fault. If he had insisted on taking her to that stupid film festival, if he had faced her about her odd behaviour before, they probably wouldn't have been in this situation.

"JJ... I'm..."

"Don't." She immediatly cut him off. She knew where this was going. "It's not your fault Spence. Don't even think about it, ok?" He nodded but he was still feeling like he was the one to blame. After that, an akward silence fell in the room. She needed to reduce the tension in the group.

"Well, I bet none of you expected that the 'Pennsylvania petite' could go all Jason Bourne like that and become so dangerous that the worst terrorists in the world felt the need to take her down, uh?" She wanted to lighten the mood but was failing miserably. No one was laughing.

"Ok, bad joke..." She sighed. "I guess you want to know what happened, the full story..." She asked but Hotch promptly answered.

"You don't have to worry about that, JJ. Don't worry about anything. All you have to do is focus on getting better." That confused her. Her boss was usually so professional, even in moments of crisis, always keeping the situation under control. She wasn't used to see him like this and she didn't know why, but it didn't seem right to her.

"Yes, buttercup. You have to get better... You don't have to think about... we will help you and...uhm..." Ok, something was definetly off if Penelope Garcia had run out of words. It was like they were avoiding to talk about what had happened. Why was that? Looking around, scrutinizing the faces of her friends, she noticed for the first time someone hidden behind the others, in the back of the room, someone who had been silent all this time and she stopped thinking about the akward behaviour of the members of the team. She didn't know how he hadn't seen him before.

"Will..." He lifted his head, hearing her calling him.

"Y-yeah, I'm here..." The others moved to let him pass and he approached his wife's bed. JJ noticed he wasn't meeting her eyes, and thought he was still upset about what had happened before.

"Will, I'm sorry about how I reacted before. I was still confused and I really..."

"Hey hey hey. Stop." Will couldn't believe that she was apologizing to him, that she believed she had to do it, like she had done something wrong. "I'm not mad. I already told you. It's not your fault. It's just, it's hard for me too, you know?" She nodded. They stayed like that, lost in each other's eyes for a few moments, until he sighed and broke their eye-contact, fearing he would burst in tears. The moment had passed.

Resting her head on the pillow she looked at the loving people surrounding her and suddenly noticed something. She instantly questioned Hotch about it.

"Where's Emily?"

"I sent her home to rest while you were sleeping. When Dr Hayes told us you were waking up I called her. It shouldn't be long now. She should be here at any mo..." His words were cut off by the sound of someone yelling and heavy footsteps, like somebody was running in their direction. Abruptly a dark-haired woman stormed into the room, followed by an angry screaming nurse.

"I'm sorry, Dr Hayes, I tried to stop this woman but..." The doctor gestured her to calm down, there was no need to worry. The nurse clenched her teeth and walked out, glaring first at Emily.

"I can see your veins throbbing from here. You should relax, lady. Why don't you go steal some tranquilizer?" She turned and saw 8 amused faces staring at her.

"Well, doesn't Emily Prentiss know how to make an entrance. You seem tired, want a glass of water?" Emily saw JJ smiling at her. It was a beautiful sight. After all that pain and suffering she was glad to see some glee in her eyes, even for a moment.

"Oh, so we are making jokes now, right?" She was panting, trying to catch her breath, but was so happy to see her friend seemed to be in a better mood. She put herself together and asked in a more concerned tone.

"How are you feeling?"

"...Fine." Emily noticed the slight hesitation in JJ's answer, and decided to let go, knowing her friend now didn't need someone to press her. She just wanted to help her and hug her but, even if JJ appeared better than when she had left, she still wasn't sure how she could react. They stared at each other, a mutual understanding between them. Emily knew JJ was lying and JJ knew she was aware of it, but they said nothing. Their exchange of looks was all the communication they needed. Emily was pretending to believe JJ's lie and JJ was thanking her for that. The brunette was the first to interrupt their silent dialogue as she smirked at the other woman.

"Ok, glad to hear that." Licking her lips, she started thinking about something that could make the blonde feel really better. When her eyes met Will's she found it.

"Hey, Will. What do you say about bringing a certain little man in here to see his mom? Maybe it's time. What do you think?" Will shook himself out of his thoughts. All this time he had been focused on his wife and her reactions to Emily. He knew they were communicating on a different level when she had asked JJ how she was feeling. He had noticed the slightest exchanges of expressions in them, and he had been trying to figure out what that could mean. He focused and saw his wife's face lit up when Emily mentioned Henry. He was a bit worried about how his son would react seeing her like this, but he knew they both needed to see each other and he would do it if there was the chance JJ would feel better.

"What do you say, honey? Do you feel ready?" She just nodded.

"I need to see him." Will agreed and stretched out to touch her arm in a comforting way, but stopped midway, remembering her reaction. God, he longed so much for the simplest physical connection. He hated that such a caring gesture, that should have been a source of solace and serenity, was now causing fear and despair. Just thinking about it was making him angry and sad again. JJ of course noticed what was going on, and what was the reason that had caused her husband's face to cloud over. So she took initiative and, stretching her right arm out, she took his hand in hers, interwining their fingers together.

There was nothing threatening in that contact. She felt no anguish or fear. It was her husband, she loved him, he loved her, and that was a gesture of love. She looked at him and said with the softest voice.

" You can touch me, Will. It's ok." That whisper broke his heart. She was trying to be so brave for him, for everyone. That simple touch had been wonderful, but he hated that she felt the need to reassure him, to show him she wasn't broken. He thought back to what had caused her to be in this position and immediatly felt his eyes start to water. He hadn't been able to save her and the guilt was eating him alive. Seeing her comforting him was the last straw.

"I'm so sorry, JJ. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I should have protected you, I should have stopped them. I'm..." JJ listened to what Will was saying with a broken voice. Slowly taking in what he was really apologizing for, she felt a sick feeling creeping up on her. It couldn't be. She looked at the others and then at Emily, who had seen how the situation had degenerated and was now avoiding her gaze, basically confirming what she was thinking. Her doubts, the strange behaviour of her team, them avoiding talking about what had happened, it all became clear in her head and she felt bile rising in her throat. She let go of Will's hand and looked away.

"Can I... uhm... can I have a moment alone with Emily, please?" They all nodded and cleared the room. The last one was Will, who whispered to her.

"I'll go get Henry in the meantime." She didn't reply, just waited for him to exit the room, then she faced Emily, who hadn't moved and still wasn't looking at her.

"Em...?" The brunette finally looked up and saw tears in her friend's eyes. No one was here, she could let her mask fall.

"They know, don't they? They know that Hastings ra... they know what he did to me." Emily was nervously biting her lower lip, not really wanting to answer her question. In the end she complied and whispered a single word.

"Yes." JJ felt her world crumble. They all knew. Will knew. He knew about this degradation. He knew that she hadn't been strong enough to fight him off, to resist to his assault. An FBI agent who can't protect herself. She was pathetic. She had wanted this to stay a secret: when Emily had found her, and she was convinced she was about to die, she had begged her not to tell them. It was too humiliating. They wouldn't look at her the same way ever again, everything would be different. Tears were now running freely on her face. Suddenly she was filled with even more terror.

"Do they... Do they know the d-details? Have they s-spoken to Matt?" Emily shook her head, feeling nauseous realizing that she had been forced to suffer this savagery in front of Cruz, making it only worse for her.

JJ sighed with relief when Emily answered her. At least this was contained. Will didn't know the particulars of what she had endured, he only knew it had happened, and that was horrible enough. She would make sure he would never find out about them. She was sobbing quietly now, talking to Emily with her voice broken.

"Ok... w-well, this is p-positive." Emily's heart was crushed, seeing her friend like this was destroying her. In part it was her fault. She had pressed the doctor to tell them the truth, but she had to ask, because if there was even a 5% that this hadn't actually happened, she needed to know. Also, she knew a secret like that would have only consumed JJ and she couldn't allow her to suffer even more damage. Still, she was feeling guilty as hell for her current state. She opened her mouth to say something apologetic, but was interrupted before she could speak.

"How is this going to be? It's over. Everything. They're not going to see me as JJ anymore, as a colleague, a friend. I'm just a v-victim. And Will? I'm broken to him. I can't be what he needs. I can't hide this, Emily. How can I do it? I know you won't even be here, but I need you to t-tell me how to face this. I need..." She was cut off by a knocking on the door. Panic filled her. She couldn't let Henry see her like this. Emily moved to the door, uttering a 'I've got this.', to give JJ time to put herself together. She quickly wiped away the tears and forced her mind to focus on nothing but the fact that she was about to see her baby. Anything else could wait.

Emily waited for a sign and then she opened the door.

"Mommy!" Henry ran inside the room, followed by Will, who was struggling to restrain his son. The bed was too high for him and he took the kid in his arms, so that he could face his mother. When he saw her conditions he got really quiet. Will knew this could happen, that it could be shocking to him so he whispered in his ear.

"Remember what I told you, kid..."

JJ noticed her son had stopped talking and was staring intensely at her. She was suddenly very worried about her appearance. What if he was scared of her? She couldn't bear to think about that, about the chance that her baby could be afraid of her.

"Hey, buddy! It's me. I know I look a little like a Halloween monster and it can be scary, but I'm still your mommy. Do you recognize me, kid?" When he didn't answer her fear increased exponentially. He really didn't know who she was. He remained silent, worsening her worries, until the biggest smile appeared on his face.

"Of course I recognize you, momma!" She smiled back, happiness and relief filling her.

"Daddy said you are hurt, that the bad guys hurt you, that is why you look like this." She nodded.

"Yes, daddy's right. Because of them I have to stay here for a while, so the doctor can heal me, but I feel already better." Henry took on a very serious expression.

"Well, don't worry momma. I'm going to take care of you, like you did with me when I was hurt. I will be like a hero and I will help you." JJ laughed sincerely when her son said that. He was truly the most amazing kid in the entire world.

"Oh, buddy. But you are a hero. You are my little hero. You are already helping me, I feel so good when you are close to me." He smiled and then turned to his father, asking him something very quietly.

"What was that, buddy?" JJ asked curiously, wanting him to share this with her too.

"I asked daddy if I can hug you." Her smile disappeared, replaced by a look of sorrow. Her son was asking permission to hug her. It was wrong on too many levels. A 5 years old couldn't be afraid to hug his mom, he had to have the certainty that he could rest soundly in her mother's embrace. After the first moment of shock, she answered quickly.

"Of course you can, Henry. You don't have to ask that ever again. You can hug me whenever you want, ok? Now come here and give momma a big squeeze." Henry smiled cheerfully and as soon as Will placed him on the bed he tightened his arms around JJ, who hugged him back, holding him with her right arm. In that moment she felt tears threatening to fall down. She knew she was about to cry. A whirlwind of emotions swirled within her heart. She was so happy to have her son cuddled up in her arms yet, she realized this situation was something a kid should have never experienced and it was making her sad. Staying like that, for how long she didn't know, she felt her emotions assault her all together and, in the end, she lost her battle against holding back tears and quietly started crying.

Outside of the room, hiding behind the door, they didn't notice Emily who had observed the entire scene with her eyes red. She had seen the pain in JJ's eyes when she had heard Henry's question, and how she had stopped fighting tears, letting emotions overwhelm her. Quietly Emily walked away from the room, pondering. Her friend was a wreck. She was suffering physically and mentally and she wasn't sure JJ would be able to deal with all of this. She had asked for her help, indirectly, when she had asked her how to face this. Could she now turn her back on her? Sure, they had saved her, but was she really safe? Safe from Hastings, who was still out there, and safe from herself? Emily meditated on all this things for some time, before she understood there was only one thing she could do now. So she took her phone and made the call. It wasn't long until Easter answered.

"Prentiss, finally. Give me some news. Tell me, is everything ok now?" She was silent for a moment and finally found the courage to utter those words.

"I can't come back."


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello everyone! This is where I had stopped before all this mess happened. If you took time to re-read my story the least I can do is thank you truthfully from the bottom of my heart. **

**Don't worry! More chapters are coming. Let me know what you think! Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds**

" What? I think I didn't understand what you just said. You're kidding, right? Right? What the hell does it mean you can't come back?" Easter was screaming in her ear. His tone had gone from shocked to angry to enraged. He was really pissed, but Emily knew this would happen. She knew what she would get herself into by making that call, but it was the right thing to do, screw the consequences. She wouldn't change her mind.

"Clyde, listen to me. There's nothing else I can do. Jareau needs me, I can't..."

"An entire department needs you, Prentiss. How can you not understand it? You are the chief of the London Interpol Office. Do you know how many people are depending on you? You can't do something like that. You can't choose out of the blue not to return. It's already serious enough that you ran away like you did, but this! This is inadmissible!" Emily let him lash out against her, she deserved it. She didn't have the arrogance to believe he could take this well. Her decision was going to have repercussions, severe repercussions. Nevertheless, no matter how much she knew Easter was right, no matter how worried she was, nothing was concerning her more than the blonde woman crying in a room close by. She would have never been able to do her job anyway, without being absolutely sure that JJ had recovered. She waited for him to calm down a bit and then she started trying to make him understand that it wasn't something negotiable. She had made up her mind.

"I'm sorry, Clyde. Yes, everything you said is true. Despite that, I have to stay here now. I have a friend lying in a hospital bed. She is torn apart. She's suffering from physical, psychological and emotional torture and she needs help. She's the one who helped me get through what Doyle had done to me. Her support allowed me to move on. When I thought alone was how I was going to spend the rest of my life, she was there. She was close to me, she never abandoned me. Don't you get it? I owe her. What kind of friend would I be if I left her now? It is true, I have great responsabilities back in London and don't think I don't care about my job, because it is one of the most important things in my life but, and I know you don't want to hear this, now I have to push all of this in the background." Emily had tried to mantain an emotional detachment throughout all her speech, failing miserably. Talking about her time after Doyle was still a struggle for her. Few people truly knew how hard that period of her life had been, how vulnerable she had been, how close to breaking point. There was only one person to whom she wasn't afraid to show her emotional side, she could let down all her walls with her. It was different with everyone else. So now, opening up about all that had proven to be extremely difficult but still, she needed him to understand how important this was to her, that there wasn't a plan B, that nothing came before her family.

"Shit Prentiss this isn't a game. Your devotion to your friend is admirable, but what about everything else? Where is your devotion to your country, to your job, to me? I put myself on the line when I proposed you as new chief. What impression will I make? I will look like a fool and it will look like you never took this assignment seriously. Think about it!"

"...I'm sorry." She was, really. Because she was afraid that, beside screwing up her job, there was a chance that she could partially cause trouble to Easter. The rational part of her brain, though, was telling her that he was too relevant, a too high-level figure to be seriously damaged by her actions, so she probably would be the only one to suffer the consequences of her decision, and she wouldn't have wanted it to be any other way. It was her choice.

"Emily please, please. Listen to me. This isn't like taking a sabbatical year, or like going visit your family for holidays. This isn't a job you can simply walk away from and come back whenever you want. There are consequences, you know it. If you do this, my influence is not going to be worth anything. I won't be able to do anything. I'm begging you, change your mind, now before it's too late. You know what this means, you know what is going to happen." Yes. She knew damn well. She was aware about the effect her decision would have on her job, her career. There was no choice to make, though. No more reflections, discussions. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, trying to keep her voice steady as she put an end to the argument with few words.

"My place is here." Easter was silent now. Nothing he could say would have changed things now. He knew Prentiss. She was too stubborn. He could have traveled across the Atlantic, found her, shoved her into a bag all tied up and taken her to London and yet, she would have still found a way to go back there. It was a losing battle. He took a deep breath filled with resignation.

"Well... I guess I have a lot to do then, uh?" Emily understood clearly what he was really meaning. It was going to be hard to find a new section chief without notice.

"Clyde, I'm..."

"Yeah, I'm sorry too." He cut her off. "I just hope this is worth it, Prentiss. Since there is no way I can convince you, at least make sure this sacrifice has a value." She was moved. He may be angry with her but he understood how much this was costing her, and she was thankful for that. She was quiet for a little, biting nervously her lower lip. Had there been another way, she would have avoided all this without thinking twice, but there wasn't. This was the only way, and her decision was final.

"I'll send you my resignation paper as soon as possible. Again Easter, I'm so sorry." She had said it. It was official. She couldn't come back now. She heard him mumble something unclear. He didn't know what to say anymore.

"Ok, well... I'll... uh... ok. Fine. What can I say? Prentiss, uhm... just... bye." He breathed out heavily and hung up. She stood still, with her phone to her ear and a vacant expression on her face.

It was done. She had really quit her job. She had let go of one of the things she cared the most about in her life with a phone call. It had been one of the hardest things she had ever done. She would never have an opportunity like that again. It was gone. Her career was probably gone. She wasn't second-guessing her decision, at all. JJ was more important. Between the chance of losing her job and losing her friend, she didn't even have to think about it. Still, this didn't mean that she wasn't sad and angry. Yes, mostly angry. Emily focused all that rage on the only one to blame. On that son of a bitch who had caused all this devastation and had forced her to be in this position. Oh, she would scour the planet looking for him and, when the day would come, she would make him wish he had really died in Afghanistan.

She had other things to think about now, though. She would worry about Hastings at the right time. She lowered her arm and put her phone in her pocket, suddenly conscious about how silly she probably looked standing like that in the middle of the hallway. She glanced up and heaved a long sigh, trying to relieve herself of stress. After two or three tries she actually started to calm down, so she turned, ready to get back to the others, when she saw a figure not far from her staring at her intensely. Great. Her plan to handle this with discretion had gone up in smoke. Emily approached him slowly and sat on a chair next to him, waiting for him to do the same.

"You know, normal people would think that moving away from others for a few moments would be a sign that maybe someone is looking for some privacy..." The snarky side of Emily was resurfacing at last.

"So... following this line of reasoning, I should poorly pretend that I didn't see anything and play dumb when you tell me everything is fine even if we both know that's a lie, but we don't acknowledge that at all and instead we go get a latte and chat about American Idol?" She raised her eyebrows surprised and amused. Hotch being sarcastic was so rare that when it happened it was probably one of the best things in the world.

"Yeah, wouldn't that be awesome?" The smile that had appeared on her face rapidly faded, because she knew that he could joke about it, but he wouldn't let go. She could see it from his worried expression. She was quiet for a while and he didn't press her, giving her all the time she needed.

"I'm done in London." She finally whispered. "It was being there or being here. I can't leave her, Hotch." He just nodded, understanding her reasons. He was just sorry that this situation had caused even more damage and loss.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Hotch wasn't a person of many words and he knew neither was Emily, but they also shared a special bond. A different way of communicating. So he wasn't disappointed when he heard her answer.

"Not now." Better than a complete rejection. There would be a more proper time to discuss about this, yes, but his brain was already working to find a solution. He would help her, that was for sure. He would do anything in his power to support her.

His inner monologue was interrupted when they saw Henry toddling out of the room to go hug his 'uncle' Reid. From where they were sitting Hotch and Emily could hear him blabbing happily about his mother, about how he was now a special super-hero for his mommy. It was so beautiful, to see this kid who could only understand the bright side of this. He had seen his mom again, nothing else mattered. He was the happiest kid in the world.

Emily enjoyed the scene, taking her mind off her worries for a moment, when she noticed something was off. Henry was alone, Will was still inside the room. She turned her head and, from the look on Hotch's face, she understood he was thinking the same thing. She knew that if she had looked into a mirror, she would have seen reflected the same sad expression Hotch had right now. Because there was only one reason why JJ had sent away her son, only one reason why she needed time alone with her husband.

And thinking about it was breaking her heart.

* * *

JJ and Will were silent. They had been for a while now. After having reunited with her son and having spent some time with him, enjoying a few moments of real happiness, JJ had understood that she could pretend everything was fine with her five-years-old kid, not with her husband. She couldn't avoid the elephant in the room forever, especially after her previous reaction. So she had forced herself to let go of Henry and had asked him to go out, because his folks needed to talk about something alone. As soon as he had left, Will had taken a chair and had sit next to the bed, having realized where this was going, and now they were both waiting in silence. Will didn't want to push her, and JJ was terrified to start talking, and was nervously tormenting the cuticoles on the fingers of her right hand.

She opened her mouth more than once to speak, but always stopped before uttering something. God, it was so hard.

"I guess you know why I told Henry to leave." She finally managed to whisper. With the corner of the eye she saw Will nodding. She couldn't look at him, not while talking about this. She licked her lips in distress and continued.

"When I asked everyone to clear the room, I spoke with Emily and she confirmed... she confirmed my f-fears." No. She could hear her voice cracking and tears burning for the umpteenth time behind her eyes. She didn't want to break down, she wanted to stay strong, but as she went on it was becoming almost impossible.

"She said you already knew that... you knew w-what Hast... that I h-had been..."

"Hey..." Will took her hand, subconsciously glad of seeing her not retracting, and she closed her eyes sniffling, trying to hold back tears, a single one escaping and trickling down her face. It was tearing him inside to see her in this much distress, without being able to do anything useful. He looked at her wishing he could comfort her as she took deep, ragged breaths, in an attempt to calm down.

"I'm sorry." She said with a more steady voice. "I was determined not to break down like this. I never intended to..."

"JJ." He stopped her, not accepting to see that look of embarassement on her face. "Don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry about, or to be embarassed about. You are human, you are allowed to show some vulnerability. With what you've been through... you're being even too strong." He spoke gently but firmly at the same time, wanting his words to be fully understood. He thought he had seen the slightest hint of a smile, but then he saw her drift away once again, her eyes distant, and, for a while, silence filled the room, the beeping of the machines the only thing heard.

"I don't know why I thought it would stay a secret." Will had to make an effort to understand what she was whispering. "I guess... maybe it was just me hoping... maybe it was my wish that it would stay hidden." Thinking about it now, more clear-headed, JJ had realized that it was pretty much impossible that this particular information wasn't made known. Emily had found her, she had seen the state she was in, and the doctor had examined her, so it was pretty obvious that it would come out at some point. Yet she had irrationaly thought that somehow this would be kept under wraps.

"Why did you want that?" How could he not see it? How could he not understand how disgusted by her weakness she was, how ashamed of herself she felt?

"I... When I thought I was going to die..." Will clenched his jaw, thinking about how pretty darn close she had gotten to that. "I didn't want you to suffer even more. Knowing would have destroyed you. But it wasn't just that..." She paused for a moment. "It was also for me, because... I feel ashamed. I didn't want you to know... how weak I was. That I wasn't able to f-fight back. That with all my skills, with all my training, I didn't manage to avoid... t-this. It's humiliating. The others... I saw the look of pity on their faces, and with you... uh... if I can't bear to think about how powerless I was, I don't know how you can do it." Will was shocked. She truly believed he would judge her for what they had done to her, like it was her fault. He could see it by the way she was avoiding his gaze, staring at the wall right in front of her. He would not let her feel ashamed or guilty, at all. He softly put his fingers under her chin, his movements stopping for a second when he heard her inhale, and when he felt her relax he gently tilted her head towards him, so he could face her.

"No, JJ. I don't allow this. I don't allow you to feel guilty for what they did to you. Never feel ashamed for what happened to you. That Hastings... he is the monster, it's his fault, not yours, and he's the one who should feel ashamed. It doesn't matter that you are an FBI agent, you were never prepared for something like this. You went through something so horrifying, and you survived. I don't know anyone else who would manage to do that. Even the doctor said you should be dead with everything you endured, and yet you are alive. You are not weak, JJ. You are the strongest person I know. It isn't important that you weren't able to prevent this. What is important is that you resisted. You were put through the worst tortures and you didn't break, you didn't give up. Your friends didn't look at you with pity, but with concern and love, and about me... I never want you to think that I see you as powerless or guilty. I blame him, not you. Never you, ok?" JJ held his stare as long as she could, but at a certain point she simply lowered her gaze, not standing to see the tears in his red eyes and the look of love on his face. She felt like she didn't deserve it. She was so happy for what he had just said and rationally she believed it. She knew it wasn't her fault. She had said the same to so many people who had suffered the same thing during her career. But there was a part of her convinced she should have done something more, so it didn't matter if he said it wasn't true. She still felt like she had somehow failed him. Also, seeing his trusting look, she couldn't help but feel even more guilty. Yes, because she was still lying to him. She still hadn't told him about their baby, and now she didn't know if she would ever be able to. It would only bring more pain in their life and she didn't want it, even if it was egotistical. It was another betrayal.

Will saw her divert from his gaze and understood she was once again lost in her own thoughts. He swallowed nervously. Talking about this had raised a terrible question in his mind, whose answer he was equally eager and scared to know. He was terrified to ask this because he wasn't sure how she would react once she heard the question and also how he would react if/when he would hear the answer. Nevertheless, knowing how hard this was for her, he didn't know if he would have another chance to talk about this. He had to do this now. So, uncomfortably, with a faltering voice, he addressed her again.

"JJ, I want to ask you something, but you can choose not to answer me, if you don't want to." She shifted unsettled in her bed, not knowing where this was going, keeping her eyes away from his.

"Was it...? I mean, what happened to you... was it only one or... uhm..." She heard him struggle to find the right words for such a horrible question, and when she understood what he was trying to say she answered quickly, to stop this.

"It was Hastings. Just him." JJ heard him sigh, not sure if angered because he was the one who had escaped, or relieved because she had been spared further suffering, once already traumatizing enough. She was careful not to tell him that, in case Matt hadn't given him the codes, Hastings had planned for her a gang-rape that she was sure would have killed her. Will didn't need to know that. He would never know that.

"You know... If you ever wanna talk about..."

"I don't." She cut him off. He just wanted to help her, but she couldn't deal with it. With telling him everything, not so soon.

"Ok." Will complied. He would never force her to open up. "You'll tell me only if you want to, and only when you are ready. Just know that I'm here for you, I'm not going anywhere. You can count on me for everything." She finally looked up, glancing back at him. His support, his unconditional love were touching her heart like never before. JJ had never taken him for granted but now, in her upset state, seeing him here, next to her, determined to help her every step of the way without demanding anything in return, filled her with wonder and caused her to tear up once again, wondering what she had done to deserve a man like him.

She felt a sudden need for her husband, a need for closeness and without thinking, acting on her instinct, she leaned toward him and, eyes closed, she placed her lips on his in the softest of kisses.

Will was caught so off guard by this gesture, that for a second he thought he was imagining this. The initial disbelief passed, he relaxed and closed his eyes, to fully savour that unexpected contact. He relished that brief moment. It was such a gentle kiss, their lips were barely brushing, and yet it was one of the most intense they ever shared, filled with love and pain, with meaning, with unsaid words, filled with promise.

When she pulled away they were both out of breath and out of words, surprised by what had just happened. They had missed this so much and this small connection had been wonderful and agonizing at the same time. JJ rested her forehead against Will's, her eyes still closed but tears now falling silently. Through her shaky breathing, choking back a sob, in a way that Will perceived as both loving and sad, she uttered three words.

"I love you."

He lightly cupped her face with his left hand and with the thumb he brushed away her tears.

"I love you too, JJ. So much." They stayed like that, not moving, comforting each other, no words between them except the whisper of Will, repeated over and over, like a prayer, necessary to both of them.

"It's ok. Everything's gonna be fine..."


	9. Chapter 9

**Guys! I'm back, finally! After all that ugly situation I had developed a small case of writer's block, but here I am with a new update. A super long update. Thank you very much for your response, it's always very appreciated. Don't be shy, let me know what you think, if you are still interested in the story! Any advice or comment is really welcome! So, with no further ado, here's chapter 9!**

**Enjoy and review! Review review review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds**

As she was walking down the hospital hallway sipping her coffee, Emily could feel the caffeine entering her system slowly bringing her back to life. She really couldn't start the day without having at least a cup of coffee, especially now, in this situation, with these rythms. It had been five days. Five never ending days of hard work, hard and pointless on top of that.

Since the day she had quit her job they hadn't stopped a moment. Each member of the unit had dedicated themselves to hunting for Hastings. Through the CCTV footage at the Cramer Industries they had identified the helicopter that had allowed that man to escape. Garcia had then done her magic and, by accessing the transponder had managed to triangulate its position and to locate it, 120 miles south-west of Washington. When they had finally arrived Emily had cursed like never in her life. Yes, because there was nothing there. Just the empty helicopter in an abandoned hangar in the middle of nowhere. The CSI had analyzed every inch of the place but it had already been scrubbed. They had nothing. No prints, no tracks, no leads. Hastings was gone, without a trace.

The long ride back home had been awfully silent, everyone feeling disappointed, defeated, and guilty. Once back to Quantico, Garcia and Reid, who had stayed behind, had immediatly understood what had happened from their faces. The young doctor hadn't said a word to her, not even when they had arrived to his apartment, where he had offered to host her, until she found a long-term accomodation. She'd had to question him to know what he was thinking.

"He walks free... He is her torturer, the person she probably fears the most in the world, and she has to live knowing that he's out there. I don't know how it's possible. I don't think I would be able to go on if..." Emily had understood he was talking about Hankel. She had been wondering if this case would affect him at a certain point. He had been through something similar years before, after all. So she had reassured him about JJ's recovery and she had promised to handle this herself, to bring Hastings to justice. After that the intensity of the events had hit her full force and she had collapsed on the couch.

That was the day before yesterday. She had barely seen JJ since the day she had woken up. In these days Emily hadn't had a minute alone with her friend, since she had been immersed in visits from the other profilers, who hadn't had the chance to see her for long before, and Will hadn't left her a moment. So now she was walking down the hallway so early in the morning hoping that today she would be able to spend some time with the blonde without all that chaos. She realized her plan had failed miserably when she heard the loud voices coming from inside the room.

"If you listened..."

"But I listened. I listened to what you said the other day and now I don't want to discuss this anymore. It's my decision, I'm..."

"Aw, come on JJ. Stop repeating that. This is ridiculous. You gotta listen to the doctor. Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

Emily stood on the threshold and raised her eyebrows in confusion. She was witnessing a high-pitched argument between Will, Dr Hayes and JJ, who was sitting on the bed with a frustrated expression on her face. Not wanting to look like she was eavesdropping, she hesitantly knocked on the door.

"Hi..." Three heads jerked in her direction. God, it couldn't be more awkward than this. "Is this a bad time? If you want I can come back..."

"No no no, quite the contrary. Thank God you're here. Come inside, please, so we can put an end to this discussion." JJ gestured fervently for her to come in. As she was talking, Emily finally had the chance to see how her friend's conditions had evolved during these days. She appeared better and worse at the same time. She was definetly more responsive, more lively, and the swelling around her eye had decreased impressively, so that now she could actually open it. On the other hand the bruises on her face looked much darker and more defined and her crystal blue iris was encircled by a blood-red ring, taking away all the tenderness typical of her look. Her left eye was actually a bit terrifying. Emily glanced away and entered the room, not wanting her friend to notice she was staring at her and not wanting her to be self-conscious about her appearance. She tried to be as casual as possible.

"So, if you don't mind me ask... What the hell is going on? You can be heard from the end of the hallway." She chuckled. JJ was about to answer when Will cut her off.

"It's good that you're here. You wanna know what's going on? Well, what's happening is that I've a wife who's completely reckless. You see, the hospital called me this morning at 7.00 to inform me that Jennifer Jareau had suddenly decided to check herself out. So, what happens next? I run here to understand what is going on and Dr Hayes tells me that she didn't approve any of this. She wants to go away AMA. We are discussing about this since when I arrived." Emily listened completely baffled by what she was hearing. She opened her mouth to speak but JJ interrupted her and answered before she had the chance to.

"Well, there's no need to discuss about this any longer. I'm fine now, I feel better. My shoulder is healing, my face is ok and the stitches are holding just fine. I don't need to stay here. I've been inside this building too much. Besides, I don't have to undergo any other treatment, right doctor?" Questioned, Dr Hayes stepped in, looking almost scared.

"Yes, it's correct but, _but_, we have to make sure you are fully stabilized. You still underwent surgery; in situation like this it's protocol that you stay in observation for a few more days so that..."

"You said that. You already said that two days ago, when I asked you when I could leave, and I decided to stay and follow your advice. Now, time passed, nothing wrong happened, so I don't see why I can't go. How much longer do you have to observe?" The doctor looked at Emily, silently crying for help.

"Are you listening to her? Please put some sense in her head because I'm going nuts and this is all a bunch of..."

"Ok, stop." Emily silenced them. This situation was too crazy. She was being caught in the crossfire, so she had to act. She would end this silliness. "I think it's enough and we should all calm down." She gestured JJ to be quiet when she noticed she was ready to protest again.

"I think this argument is heating up a little too much, so maybe you should take a break? Will, you said you arrived here barely after 7 a.m. and I can see it, you're basically sleep-walking. Why don't you go grab a nice coffee and come back all freshened up?" He wanted to complain but then saw the look on Emily's face, a look that was basically saying "_Get the hell out of here, I'm dealing with this._" so he decided to comply and grumbling he got out, quickly followed by Dr Hayes, who mouthed a "thank you" before exiting the room. When they were finally alone, Emily let out a deep sigh and sat next to her friend, almost wanting to laugh at the sulky look on her face.

"Are you going to give me a roasting too? JJ mumbled.

"Wouldn't dare to." She chuckled. "At the risk of me getting my head knocked off, I have to ask you... how were you brilliantly planning to escape without even a shirt on?"

"...They have a Lost Property Office. Somehow I would have managed to borrow some clothes..." JJ answered quietly, slowly understanding how absurd her plan actually was.

"Well, if Will had agreed with taking me home I wouldn't have had that problem." She said defiantly, like she wanted to have the last word. Emily, amused by this, raised her hands in a mocking gesture of surrender.

"Alright, alright. I give up. I gotta admit, you're definetly not lacking of inventiveness. You are quite skilled, Supervisory Special Agent Jennifer Jareau." She smiled playfully and was happy to get a smile in return from her friend. It was only a few moments later though, that sadness reached her eyes and Emily understood that this was more serious that she had initially thought. There was something else.

"Hey." JJ lifted her eyes. "You know that you can talk to me, right? I know that this isn't simply a whim, and I also know that you know that you should stay in the hospital for your own sake so, what's going on?" JJ looked at her and said quietly.

"I thought you would have agreed with me..."

"Yeah, well... You know me and hospitals aren't exactly best buddies, but your situation is a little different. Besides, when I got hit by the truck, I was forced by Morgan to stay in and you know what? It was actually for the best. So... tell me." JJ hesitated before answering. Knowing Emily, she was aware that she wouldn't manage to simply get away with an excuse, but also she didn't want to vocalize what was making her so nervous. How could she tell her that being stuck in a hospital bed was reminding her of her time in Afghanistan, of when she had woken up lying on a similar bed in a military medical tent to find out that the baby that she had wanted so much had been taken away from her?She couldn't talk about that, about that hollow feeling that had resurfaced after almost three years, to add itself to the already long list of things that were now causing her pain and suffering. Talking about it was out of the question, but still she had to give Emily a truthful answer, otherwise she would have understood that she was keeping something from her. She meditated on what to do for a few moments, then decided to be as honest as possible and tell her friend what was troubling her, omitting the baby, though. So finally, she sighed heavily and answered the brunette.

"I want to leave so bad because... because of how it makes me feel. Being stuck in here, I can't be the usual me, the usual JJ. Instead I am forced to feel like I'm broken, this hospital reminding me just how damaged I am. I need a familiar place to feel like my old self again. In this place nothing feels safe, or comforting. Staying here, all I can think about is... bad things." She paused, collecting herself. Emily was listening very carefully, patiently waiting but at the same time encouraging her with her look to go on. JJ still had to tell her the hardest part.

"That's not all of it, though. The other reason I need to get out of here and go home is... is..." She was now biting her lip nervously. "I've been here six days, Emily. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" Emily looked at her in confusion. She wanted to understand whatever her friend was trying to say, but she was completely lost. Seeing that she wasn't following, JJ sighed and spoke again.

"It's been six days. Seven, counting the day of my abduction. Seven days since the last time I... uh... I had a shower." Understanding suddenly hit Emily and a veil of sorrow clouded her face, as JJ kept talking, well, more whispering. "Yes, the nurses clean me everyday, but it's not the same thing. I need to shower. This feeling is... unbearable. After what... w-what he did... I need to wash away the feeling of... him, to wash away the dirt. I need to... feel clean again." Emily wanted to smack herself in the face. Was she dumb? How the hell hadn't she thought about this? It was obvious JJ wanted to go home. If she herself had felt dirty and in desperate need of a shower after that hellish night, she really couldn't imagine how JJ was feeling. It was probably horrible. She should have seen this before. She had experienced this a lot in her job. The need of getting clean was very common with... God, she was finding really hard to connect JJ to the idea of 'rape victim'. She hated the imbarassed look on JJ's face, like she was ashamed of this.

"JJ..." Emily was out of words. She had no idea of what to say to comfort her after this confession.

"I know my behaviour it's not logical and rationally, I know they're probably right. That a few days more in here wouldn't kill me, that I shouldn't push myself too much, but at the same time I can't shake away this feeling. I don't know if I can do this, if I can stand this any longer. What can I do, Emily?" Emily was deeply hurt by the sad tone in her friend's voice, she was almost pleading for help. She was so sorry for her, for her pain, for what she had suffered, but right now JJ didn't need someone to be sorry, she needed someone to actively help her with her problem. So she nodded supportively and tried to find a solution, rapidly, before Will came back in the room.

"Ok, first of all, you are not damaged. You need to understand this very clearly. You are just a woman who went through a great deal of suffering and is trying to get back on her feet. After all, it's been barely a week. You'll get better, I promise. Then, I believe you don't need me to tell you that what you are experiencing, what you are feeling, is perfectly normal. You have no reason to feel embarassed." She stared at JJ, looking for a sign that she had actually acknowledged her words. When she saw her timidly shaking her head yes, she went on talking.

"Now, about this situation. I know you want to run ot of this place, but you said it yourself. It's for your own sake. Think for a moment. You wouldn't be sure that you are properly healed, and there could be complications later on that you could have simply avoided. Also, Will would be worried sick for you every second of the day. I don't think you want that. Think about it, if you push yourself too hard there might be the chance that you have to come back here and you would be back to square one. What do you say if we talk to the doctor? It doesn't have to be for very long, just the time necessary for her to complete her examinations. A day, no more. Then, you can get out of here and go home, properly dressed by the way. It seems practical, to me. What d'you say?" Emily waited anxiously for JJ to meditate on what she had said, worried to hear something between the lines of "No, I'm getting out now" and "Screw you and your lecture". She was pleasently surprised when she heard what JJ answered.

"I guess... one day more won't kill me..." Emily wanted to throw her fists up in the air in happiness, but kept a grip on herself and simply smiled gleefully. What she got in return was the hint of a bitter smile.

"You must think I'm pathetic, uh?" All Emily's joy flew out of the window after hearing the blonde's soft voice. What was killing her was the fact that she didn't know how to help her in this occasion, so all she could do was stare at her with a pained expression on her face, mouth half-open, in the attempt of finding something to say that would give JJ some confidence, that would make her feel like the strong woman she was once again.

"JJ, I you can't say that. I would never think that..."

Knock, knock. Emily's head jerked in direction of that sudden noise and she saw Dr Hayes standing on the doorway, Will immediatly behind her.

"Is it safe to come in now?" The doctor joked. Emily turned to see JJ's reaction and was surprised to find her smiling.

"Yes. Actually, It took you too long to come back." She wasn't fooling her. Looking closely, Emily could clearly see that the corners of her mouth were curved up, but the muscles around her eye-socket weren't moving, her eyes blank. Something told her that she wasn't the only one who had noticed it, as she saw the interrogative look on Will's face, but he made no comment about it and addressed her instead.

"So, did you guys talk?" Emily exchanged looks with JJ and got up, pretending she hadn't noticed her forced smile.

"Ok, well... in fact we did. And I believe JJ chose wisely." All the attention moved to the blonde, who tentatively communicated her hard decision.

"I realized... that staying here another day would probably make everything easier." She saw the smirk forming on her husband's face and interrupted him. "You just shut up." He simply smiled and nodded, saying nothing. The doctor too was pleased with what JJ had just said.

"That's great news. You made the right choice. I would have preferred you to stay a couple more days, but this is better than nothing. Now I have time to complete your check up without rushing things."

"So I can leave tomorrow morning?" JJ questioned just to be 100% sure.

"Yes. I will give my authorization and tomorrow you can go home." JJ nodded content. "Now that everything is planned, I can leave you. I'll come back later today for your last examinations." With that, Dr Hayes exited the room, leaving the three of them alone. Silence filled the room, until JJ mumbled something that neither Emily or Will understood.

"What was that?" Will asked.

"...I'm sorry for this mess." He just smiled supportively and got close to his wife.

"No need, babe." At that point Emily felt like she was completely out of place, so she akwardly adressed the both of them.

"So... uhm... do you guys want me to leave? If you want to stay alone it's perfectly fine, I can..."

"No, stay Emily." Will interrupted her. "You two didn't spend much time together these days and besides, I have to go." He looked apologetically at JJ. "I left Henry with our neighbour this morning and I don't want him to worry." Now it was JJ who was looking apologetically at him.

"Go, Will. And tell my little man I love him and I'll be home soon." He smiled lovingly and lightly placed a kiss on her forehead. Emily felt her heart swell with joy at this genuine display of love. The last time she had seen these two together, they could barely hold hands, and there was something so pure and beautiful in the scene she had just witnessed that she couldn't help but feel a bit moved. Will pulled away from JJ and asked Emily.

"Would you walk me out, Emily?" Surprised, she agreed and followed him outside.

"I just wanted to say thanks." He said once out. "For handling the situation. You somehow manage to be always helpful, and I'm grateful for it. Also, thanks for not leaving her alone now."

"You don't have to say it. I'm happy to be here." They had never talked very much in the past, but the affection that both felt towards JJ was bringing them closer. They could count on each other. Emily smiled and playfully punched him in the shoulder. "Go get some rest now. Seriously man, you look like hell." He chuckled at that and, after thanking her again, he headed to the exit of the hospital.

Once he was gone, Emily entered the room again and leaned against the wall with her arms folded.

"Well, that was quite an intense way to start the day..." JJ lowered her eyes.

"I'm sorry you were dragged into this."

"I wasn't dragged into anything. I wanted to visit a friend, I found out she had a problem, and I did my best to solve it. End of story." She took her place back next to the profiler. She didn't want her to feel sorry or guilty for this.

"So, what did Will want? He told you to stay here and baby-sit me, uh?" Emily raised her eyebrows and looked at her with an '_Are you serious?' _face.

"No. I stayed here because we basically didn't see each other these days and I wanted to see how you were doing." JJ stared at her, mentally thanking God to have a friend like the brunette in front of her. She hinted a smile and jokingly teased her.

"Emily Prentiss. Always so noble and righteous. We all pale compared to your moral rectitude." Emily took this chance to show the surprise she had brought with her. She really hoped this could make JJ lighten up, even for a moment. So she straightened up and acted like she was reluctantly admitting something terrible.

"Actually, my friend, I must confess that my integrity has been corrupted. Yes, I'm a criminal now. I dedicated myself to one terrible crime... Distribution of illegal substances." JJ was looking at her with a more than confused expression. What the hell was she talking about? Still acting weirdly, Emily took her bag and opened it without taking anything out of it, to mantain high the level of suspence.

"I'm ashamed of my behaviour. I introduced in here something strictly forbidden, but I had to do it. I couldn't leave a friend craving so much for..." As soon as Emily took out what was inside the bag, JJ brightened up, like a child who had just received candies. Her friend was holding in her hand a packet of 'Cheetos'. The brunette handed it to her.

"I figured you were probably sick of white rice and jell-o." She was out of words. She couldn't believe she could be so happy for something so insignificant and when she chomped the first chip, the crunchy noise and the familiar salty taste filled her with an unbelievable feeling of wellness and joy. For the first time in a week, she truly laughed with glee.

Emily reveled in that sound she had missed so much. This was JJ's smile, her real smile, and she was really glad that her small gift had been able to bring her such happiness. She watched as the blonde scarfed down all the chips at an impressive speed and, when she finally emptied the bag, she drew her attention back to her, with a satisfied look on her face.

"God, I needed that. Thank you so much. This is probably the best gift I got these days."

"Of nothing. It's good seeing you like this. Besides, you better not let Reid hear you. He was really proud of what he gave you. He said it was the perfect gift for your convalescence period." She glanced at the bedside table , on top of which, surrounded by a bunch of flowers, was impiled the entire collection of 'Doctor Who' box sets. The two women exchanged looks for a second and then both started laughing. There, even for a short time, they both forgot every bad thing that had happened, and enjoyed that brief moment of glee and light-heartedness.

"Oh, my ribs. Don't make me laugh so hard." JJ took a deep breath, still giggling. Once she managed to calm down a bit, she adressed Emily again, full of gratitude. "Thanks, Emily. I don't know how you do it. You come in here and for a moment you make all my troubles disappear."

Emily just shrugged, her heart bursting with joy hearing those words.

"You're my friend. I just do my best." JJ nodded and smiled again. Thanks to the brunette in front of her she had smiled more in ten minutes than in six days. This morning had started out so wrong, but her friend had been able to turn it around and bring some happiness to her, and she was really grateful.

They stayed together all morning, chatting about everything and nothing, about JJ's improving conditions and about all the visits she had received from the other team members. They managed to do exactly what Emily had wished for when she had arrived at the hospital, in other words spend time together without stress. The hours flew by, as they enjoyed each other's company, only interrupted sporadically by nurses checking JJ's vitals, one of them actually recognizing Emily as the woman who had stormed inside the room with no authorization and proceeding to glare at her, especially after seeing the open bag of chips.

It was when Dr Hayes came in and informed them that she would perform her examination in 15-20 minutes, that the situation changed, and all for a phone call. Emily was preparing to leave when her phone rang.

"Hello? Hotch?... No no, tell me... Oh... no, yeah ok. So tomorrow. Alright, see you there, thanks." She hung up and found JJ staring at her interrogatively.

"It was Hotch. He wants to see me tomorrow." She explained.

"Is everything ok?" JJ asked worried.

"I think so, yeah. I'm not sure about what he wants, but there's nothing to worry about." She didn't want JJ to have anymore preoccupations, because this call could be connected only to two things. JJ on the other hand had noticed that something was off. She knew her friend and had understood that there was more to the story.

"Emily, if something is wrong I want you to tell me. We talk to each other. This morning has been wonderful but I don't want you to distract me forever. The others are already doing it enough. So, please." After a moment of silence Emily sighed and complied. It was only fair. She had asked the same to the blonde hours ago so she couldn't refuse now. She was just fearing how she would have taken it.

"Ok... I guess this phone call is related to a conversation we had five days ago, when I told him... I lost my job in London." She saw the expression on JJ's face going from concerned to perturbed to pained, as she was slowly connecting the dots.

"How...?" She already knew the answer.

"I didn't exactly have authorization to come here, let alone to stay here." A sense of guilt ever-so-strong hit JJ in full force. She was the reason that her friend had lost her job, one of the things she cared the most about. She remembered how excited Emily had been when she had told her that she had accepted that position, and now it had been ripped away from her, all because of her. She felt tears starting burning behind her eyes.

"You were fired because of me. It's my fault..."

"No. No no no." Emily interrupted her immediatly. This was what she was fearing. That she would blame herself. She had to understand that she had no responsabilites. "Don't think that. It's not your fault. I knew the consequences when I decided to come here. I decided, it was _me._ I couldn't leave you to die." Emily chose not to clarify that she hadn't exactly been fired. She didn't want JJ to think that she had decided to stay because she was too damaged, so she decided not to pinpoint that detail.

"JJ, even if it cost me my job I would do it all over again. What matters is that we found you before they could kill you. I don't care about the rest. The only thing I regret is that I didn't arrive sooner. If I had, maybe that son of a bitch would be in custody now or dead or..." JJ's eyes shot up.

"You didn't find him?"

Shit. She was an idiot. A complete idiot. She had let the information slip like a rookie. She had just revealed the worst possible news in the worst possible way and had to look at the gutted expression on her best friend's face. She couldn't take that back now, she had to be honest, otherwise she would have only worsened things.

"We managed to track him down but... we lost him two days ago. He left the helicopter in an abandoned hangar and we don't know where he went from there. It's bad news but we're doing everything we can to..."

"I know." JJ cut her off. She looked straight ahead of her, staring at nothing in particular. She couldn't deal with this, she had to detach herself from what she had just heard.

"We'll find him. I'm sure. It's just a matter of time. He can't disappear a second time. It's mathematically impossible." The watering of her eyes was threatening to ruin her apparent composure so she rapidly rubbed her lids to hide the tears.

"Well, maybe now you should go... I mean the doctor will be back in minutes so..."

"JJ, please..." Emily could see that JJ was retreating in her shell once again. She hated that she was pushing her away.

"It's ok, really. You were about to leave anyway, so don't worry. I'm fine." She smiled. That fake smile again. Once she saw it Emily understood that there was nothing else to do or say to make things better, so she sighed and got up, heading towards the exit.

"I'll call you, ok?" All she got from the blonde was a small nod. She opened her mouth to say she was sorry, but she changed her mind. It was pointless anyway. So all she did was akwardly wave bye and left the room.

Moving to the hospital's exit, she mentally cursed herself. She wanted to punch herself in the face. Every good moment spent that morning, she had managed to destroy all of that in a matter of minutes. She thought back to the last look on JJ's face and more than ever she wished she hadn't answered her phone, causing all that drama. Her friend's blank look was scaring her. Yes, because she herself was haunted by the fact that Hastings had effectively gotten away, so thinking about what effect this could have on JJ was terrifying. She reflected about the possible consequences on the already hurt woman, and a feeling of anxiety and worry immediatly filled her. Scaring her out of her mind.

* * *

_Her vision is clouded. She can barely see anything. She can't seem to focus. The only thing she is aware of is pain. Pain is everywhere, it's surrounding her, it's consuming her. It's there but it's distant at the same time. Her mind thinks it's just too much, that she doesn't have to feel all of this, it tells her to rest, so she feels her eyelids becoming heavy and she relishes the thought that she is about to lose consciousness._

_She is not allowed to do that, though. She feels a hand lightly slapping her face, repeatedly, until her head clears and she can focus again._

_"Aw, seriously Jenny... You're passing out already? You can't do that, we barely even started yet. Don't give up so soon, come on. We still have a long road ahead of us. I need you focused. I want you to experience every second of this, I mean... it's not like I wanna be the only one to enjoy it. This is supposed to be fun for you too. So, let's start again, what do you say? Once more with feeling?"_

_A sharp pain passes through her body, as she feels him move again, and she screams._

JJ shot up from her bed, gasping, matted with sweat. Everything dark, she blinked furiously, trying to overcome the shock and to focus on her surroundings, to recognize something. When she saw the beeping machine next to her she sighed in relief. Yes, she was still in hospital. Once that was confirmed she started working on calming down. She was shaking really hard, her breath was ragged and her heart was beating like crazy. It had been worse this time. She wasn't able to sleep properly. Every night she would wake up, sometimes just with a sense of scare, other times after seeing flashes of her ordeal but, probably because of her meds, everything was always very confused, foggy. Not this time. This nighmare had been so vivid, so real, like she was in the basement once again, suffering all of that for the second time. Trying to think rationally, she realized that she had probably reacted this way because of what Emily had told her. The idea of him free was horrible. She was really worried: if she had had a nightmare like that now that she was still in hospital, under medications, it was dreadful to think about what would have happened once she was home, no more drugs to keep her monsters at bay. All of a sudden the idea of leaving this place wasn't much appealing anymore.

Closing her eyes, she took long deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling regularly, feeling her heart beat slowing and her tremors starting to die down. She had just managed to calm down when, opening her eyes, she spotted a dark figure on the doorway who made her startle in fear.

"Hey, hey. It's me." His voice was familiar and when he got closer and she was able to see him, she sighed relieved.

"Matt. What the... You scared the hell out of me"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to." He looked at her apologetically.

"What time is it?" She asked, seeing how dark the room was.

"It's past 3 a.m." He was standing in the middle of the room, not really knowing what to do. JJ noticed his grey t-shrt an pajama pants.

"Are you still in hospital?" He dismissed her worries.

"I'm fine. I can leave tomorrow."

"Me too." He knew that. That's why he was there in the middle of the night. He wanted to see her before she left the hospital, but he hadn't found the courage to face her before, let alone with others around her. He could barely hold her stare right now. After an uncomfortable moment of silence he blurted out.

"I'm sorry I scared you. I though you were sleeping." She licked her lips and smiled sadly at what he had just said.

"Yeah, I guess sleep and I don't really get along these days." He lowered his eyes, guilt crushing his soul. He was the one to blame for her being in hospital, for her lack of sleep, for her nightmares.

"Jennifer, I'm so..."

"Please don't say you are sorry. There's no need to, I already told you. It's not your fault... You tried to stop him, he didn't. Besides... I saw the look on his face. Even if you had given him the code right away, he... he would have probably done it afterwards anyway. I'm alive and you are alive, let's focus on that for now." She meant every word but, at the same time she couldn't help but be annoyed by the fact that she was the one who had to console him. She wasn't an idiot. She had understood why he had come visit her now, during night time, and she didn't want him to feel guilty, but she had other things to think about apart from his need to have a clear conscience.

"I still feel like I need your forgiveness, though."

"You need my forgiveness but you can't look me in the eyes?" After that, he hesitantly looked up and when JJ saw the shame and pain in his eyes, she immediatly felt sorry for her sharp reply. He didn't deserve that.

"Sorry Matt. I didn't mean to. However, of course. It doesn't matter that I think it's not needed, if it helps, then I forgive you." He nodded and became quiet, passing a hand through his hair, not sure on what to say.

"I shouldn't have come here, like this, in the middle of the night. I should have come first, or later, once you were healed." He said after a while. "It's better if I leave now, let you rest. Pretend I was never here." He started walking out when she stopped him.

"Matt?" She decided to take advantage of this situation to get rid in that moment of something that had been bothering her. "Can you do something for me?"

"Anything." He nodded fervently.

"I wanted to ask you this once out of this place, but now you're here so why wait? Anyway, you know that for every case involving our team a report must be written and submitted to the section chief, which is you so that's not a problem, and to the unit chief, Hotchner." Cruz frowned, having difficulty to follow her.

"You have to write the report, Ithere's no discussing about that, but what I want you to do is to be as vague as possible. Leave out all the details. Everything not relevant or that isn't already known about my captivity or my time in Afghanistan, you don't write about it. Once you are done, I want you to archive this report, immediatly, without giving a copy to Hotch." He was shocked by what he was hearing.

"Jennifer, you want me to lie?"

"Not lie, I'm just asking you to omit some things. If asked, just say that the case is confidential and so is the report. I don't think Hotch will be a problem, but if he is, I don't know... just hide behind burocracy. You're his boss, it shouldn't be so hard." She knew that what she was asking was wrong, but the fear of her family finding out more about this was too strong. She needed to know her secret would stay hidden. After listening to her, Cruz shook his head in disbelief.

"No, Jennifer. I, I can't do it. It's against the rules. This case is already messed up, I can't..."

"You said you would do anything for me." She felt horrible for doing this. She was so damaged that she was relying on a friend's sense of guilt to get what she wanted. Still, she was so desperate right now that she was ready to resort to this. "This is the only thing I need, now. My family already knows, well... what happened, otherwise I would have kept it a secret. They know that, they don't need to know the details about it, and most of all, they don't need to know about Afghanistan." He knew very well what she was talking about.

"Can you do that for me, please?" Her broken voice, her desperation, mixed with the guilt he was feeling, in the end made him comply to her requests.

"Ok... I'll... uh... I'll do it." She sighed, one of her worries gone.

"Thanks, Matt. I know it's a lot to ask." He shook his head.

"No, it fine. I'll do this for you. I told you, I have your back. Now... uhm... you should probably try to sleep. I'll let you rest." He headed to the door but suddenly stopped.

"I know you don't want me to say it Jennifer, but I'm so sorry. Really. For everything." With that he walked out, not leaving her time to answer.

She stared blankly at the doorway, then she took a deep breath and let her head fall on the pillow, letting her mind flow. She was disgusted by her behaviour. Yes, she was suffering, and not having to worry about that problem was making things a little bit easier to bear, but she really had no excuse. She had basically just blackmailed a friend. What kind of person was she becoming? Thinking about it, she decided that somehow she would find a way to repay him, she would make things right. She just didn't know when.

She thought to his last advice, to get some rest, and hesitantly she closed her eyes. She focused really hard to picture in her mind something positive and beautiful, but she seemed to fail. Emily and the team were making her think about Hastings, Will was making her think about her lies about the baby. She realized that only thinking about Henry seemed to work, so she focused on her beautiful kid, on the fact that she would see him tomorrow. Slowly she started relaxing, sleep making itself heard, but as she was losing consciousness she started losing focus too, and the images of her son began to fade away. She tried to cling to that happy thought but in the end she lost that impossible battle and, finally, fell into a restless sleep.

Monsters waiting for her.


End file.
